The night before last I posted a photo of the cigar box that I had begun to work on. I left it yesterday because I wasn’t sure where it was going. I had written about chapter titles that spoke to me. When I revisited the box today I knew what it needed to be. A journal of sorts about the journey I am on now. I will make the pages as they come to me, using collage and possibly some paintings, again by what I feel in the moment. When I think I am finished I want to make a paper accordion that can be pulled out of the box. Over the last few years I have collected words and phrases that appeal to me. I must have hundreds of these cut out words in a box. I’ve used some of these words tonight, alongside a childhood photo of me (cute, right?) I guess in my own way I am going through artistic therapy. I want to explore what I feel and why I feel it, and exactly how that affects who I am as an artist. I am hoping through all this self exploration I will discover my voice not only as an artist, but in other parts of my life. One of the sentences I added to the collage tonight states, ” your only regret is that you didn’t do it sooner..” That is more true that I could possibly tell you. I can’t focus on that, I have to move forward.
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And Now For Something Completely Different
2:45 in the afternoon and I’m ready to post. What happened you might ask. Full moon? (I have no idea.) Has Superman in an attempt to save yet another damsel in distress spun the earth back on its axis? (Don’t know, don’t care.) What has happened was the epiphany of yesterday. I talked to, (and cried to) my wonderful, supportive husband last night and told him how I was feeling. He asked me why I was putting it off to the end of the day. He essentially made me give myself permission to do what I need to do. The funny thing is that I am a morning person, it is when I am at my best. I wasn’t doing my best, I was doing what I have often referred to as my homework. He has fallen asleep at least twice on the couch in the last week waiting for me to finish my project and post. Ridiculous I know. It felt good to get it all out. As a result of last night I woke with an idea for an illustration. It’s something that encompasses all of what is getting in my way, well almost, I didn’t throw in the mountain in the background with the giant chip on it (like my shoulder). I think I might just call this “Fighting the Current”. I am fighting myself and negative thoughts every day, and if I can just get past them all I believe I will have something really great at the end, me! Self denial, guilt, your basic Martyrdom (it comes quite easily when you are raised Catholic), all have played into my not allowing myself to grow not only as an artist, but in other parts of my life too. I know there will be days where I will have to force myself to indulge my creativity. Days when the laundry needs to be done, bills need to be paid, or worst of all, my house with its three cats has to be cleaned. (Has anyone seen the “Crafting with Cat Hair” book? If you are interested, and I am most definitely not, I can supply your cat hair. I could sweep a small kittens worth at a moments notice.) I have to learn to put art first. A very long time ago my mother in law told me that women cannot be good artists and good mothers. I thought she was crazy, but now I agree with her. Kids take a lot of creative energy. My two are older now, and one is gone, the other not in the near future, but old enough to feed himself, (well OK, I do have to put the food in front of him), but I have time now. I no longer need to make Halloween costumes, or paint the character of the month on their bedroom walls. The thing is that I’ve been a mom as long as I can remember, it’s going to take some time to readjust to focusing on myself.
Inspired my the process, here is something for today. It is marker on Bristol paper, something I never do, and much more in the form of a cartoon than I would ever do. However, it serves its purpose of getting my thoughts on paper, it’s not half bad, and most importantly…I had the supplies! (Unfortunately my scanner cut off just a little but for the most part it’s here.)
I Need To Alter My Brain!
I Am An Artist
The sun is still out. Although it’s after seven, I am so happy with myself for taking some time today to really work. I finished a piece of art today because I wanted to, and not because bedtime was looming and I still hadn’t produced for my blog project. It is a pastel and pencil drawing.
As always I had no idea what I wanted to do when I started. I looked around my studio and at some photos that I had either taken myself, or at some time in the past clipped from a magazine for the “to do” pile. There are a lot of pictures in that pile, I’m ashamed to say how many. I took more than two thousand photos in Paris in 2009, that makes up most of the pile. I reassured myself continually that I would some day “work”. Setting aside ideas made the illusion seem that much more real. As long as I had projects for the future it meant I wasn’t giving up on myself, when in fact I had given up a long time ago. That again is another source of pain for me. When I think of the countless hours I spent organizing my photos, my supplies, and rearranging my studio, I could cry. All it was was a way to avoid the reality of not being good enough. Money spent, not wasted so to speak because the supplies are all still there waiting to be used, but I honestly have enough “stuff” to fill three lifetimes. I was playing at being an artist. Doing a project here and there so I could lay claim to the title because it was the only part of me that I hadn’t given to my family. I stopped working a time-clock job in 1994, I did a few murals in Chicago, did more than my share of craft shows, and even entered a painting that was accepted into a museum show here in town. The reality is I gave all of me to my husband and children. Do I have regrets? Yes, but none having to do with time I gave them, but for the hours lost when Dan was at work and the kids were in school when I could have given myself permission to be more than “mom” or “wife”. Instead I felt guilty of every moment I gave myself. Days were spent cleaning, rearranging, making things as special as I could for them. They all have nightmare memories of craft shows, when the night before they were frantically helping me to finish things because I hadn’t given myself the time. I’m sure more than a few people wondered how many strip clubs my husband went to, he was covered in glitter for days. And at the shows I found myself being approached by people asking me why I was there, telling me my work was too good. I didn’t have enough faith in myself to believe it.
I have written here before and will write it again and again until I believe it. I am an artist.
Tulip
Acrylic on canvas
Deadlines!
Long day yesterday. We spent the day doing our taxes which I can tell you doesn’t inspire much in the way of creativity. We didn’t finish until after six last night. I threw together a quick dinner, which for me means spaghetti carbonara, and then hoped to relax for the evening. As I ate dinner, I repeatedly told my husband that I needed to do something for this project. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I honestly feel so compelled to follow through on this that I couldn’t let it go. I looked around in my studio to see what I had at hand that would be quick. Feeling the “night before homework is due” pressure, figuring out what I could “hand in”. I didn’t want to do another watercolor, I didn’t want to do another small artist card just to get something done. I decided I was going to draw something. As an artist my biggest downfall is perspective. With never having had art lessons I don’t have many of the fundamental skills. Actually it contributes to another huge issue for me, the need for things to look like they are meant to look. As if I am a Kinkos copy machine. When I paint or draw I criticize myself horribly for it. I know, ridiculous right? I like other people’s work that isn’t “perfect”, so why do I expect that of myself? At this point I think I don’t have a chip on my shoulder but a rather large boulder. So after that long therapeutic rant, I will finish my story. I grabbed a couple of photos that were taped up in the studio, figuring I would draw one of them. I sat in my family room trying to draw but it just wasn’t coming. By this time it is after eight. I flipped through a few magazines, tried another drawing and again nothing. I told my husband that I was going to draw him. I have little to no experience in figure drawing so I thought I would at least try. The thing is when you want someone to model for you it is probably a good idea to tell them not to move. I didn’t, he did, and the drawing was finished before it got anywhere. Again I looked around for something, anything to fulfill my commitment. Behind me on a shelf was a photograph of my grandmother, Florence. I love faces, to look at, to study, and to draw. Florence became my project. I drew for roughly an hour, thought I was done, but then this morning I got up and looked at her, and decided she deserved better. Another hour or two this morning and I think she is done. I may revisit after my eyes uncross, but I’m happy with the results for now. Somehow I managed to reach both my deadlines yesterday, amazing! Art and taxes!
The First Date is Over
You know that feeling when you are going out with someone for the first time? You feel all nervous but excited at the prospect of what could be coming your way. That’s how I felt about yesterday. I was terrified of heading into this project, but at the same time excited about finally forcing my own hand (literally!) I spent time creating the page that would explain it all, I jumped head first into a few paintings, I told just about everyone what I was going to do. I got great feedback, mostly on my Facebook page. I had hoped, and still do, that my family and friends might offer feedback right here on the blog. (Hint inserted here.) I did get one wonderful comment that brought a smile to my face, and was excited to see people following my page.
By last night fear began to creep in. The excitement of the first date over, the did fear of, “Did he like me, is he going to call?” nonsense started. Yesterday was a pretty stressful day. Some issues relating to other parts of our life were causing upset to both my husband and I. We had a good day despite the stress, but I, as always, internalized the situation. I find it difficult to be creative when I’m upset. The whole suffering for your art thing never made sense to me. I believe that in giving birth naturally to two eight pound plus babies, and having had six knee surgeries (Again, good with the hands, not so good with the feet.) I have suffered more than enough for my art and that of everyone else too. I am happy when I create. As the day wore on the weight of what I had done to myself was crashing down on me. I had committed to the world that I was going to produce one piece of art EVERY day. I pulled out my watercolors and painted. I didn’t just produce one painting, I did three. Two are artist card size. For those of you not familiar with the Artist Trading Card movement Google it.( Worth reading about and trying to do yourself if you’ve been hiding your own creative desires.) The size is similar to a wallet size. Two and a half, by three and a half in size, it can be anything, made any way as long as the size is right. I find it an easy way to do a quick piece of art, especially when I promised to do some! I will publicly admit right now that all three are falling into the “not good enough” category in my head. I am posting the three of them because I said I would, and I always keep my promises. So that being said and my excitement diminished, here are three pieces of work. Not my best, but not my worst, and at least I did it!
The beginning!
A few months back I picked up a book called “A Daily Creativity Journal 365 Make Something Every Day And Change Your Life!” It really resonated with me. I’ve been stuck in an artistic rut for years. Huge chip on my shoulders because I never got art lessons. I did get tap dance, ballerina, Irish Step Dancing, and guitar lessons. Those of you who know and love the uncoordinated individual I am understand what a waste of time most of the above mentioned lessons were. As for guitar, my sister was taking piano and my parents had visions of us becoming an all girl band at some point, so I was denied the piano lessons I truly craved (one can’t have two pianos in one band). The guitar teacher was a hideous man, his brother the piano teacher wasn’t much better, but at least he had the instrument I wanted. On Saturday mornings my sister and I would head to lessons, dreading the hour ahead and quite honestly, making fun of the teachers on the way. Soon enough we figured out that if we lied to the piano/guitar teachers, telling them our parents couldn’t bring us the following week, and telling our parents that the teachers had an event, we could spend the morning doing what we pleased. Needless to say, I don’t play the guitar. What I can do is draw, and paint, and build, and design, and re envision just about anything you might put in front of me. I can also create in the kitchen, I’m an excellent cook and baker. Pretty much anything I can do with my hands is achievable. Now that I’ve dragged out my introduction, and probably provided fodder for therapy, I’ll get to the point. I actually do something creative pretty much every day. What I don’t do every day is art. I avoid it. The fear of “I’m not good enough” dancing through my brain. (Remember the chip?) I make beautiful food, paint rooms in my house, plant flowers in my garden. All of that comes so easy to me.
I read this book and thought, “I can do this”. I had a hard time deciding what exactly I wanted to do. I’m a little A.D.D. when it comes to art. I like to do so many things. I went into my studio and looked around, and then it came to me. I’m going to clean out my studio. Not clean out as in tidy up, it is truly one of the most organized spaces you will find. I am my father’s daughter after all. Every little item is labeled and in its place. I can get what you need from there in a fraction of a second. Organizing my studio has become another tool for avoiding actually doing the work of art. An idea popped into my head. I will spend a year using the supplies at hand. Cleaning Out My Artistic Refrigerator was born. I was very excited at the prospect, and truly did start almost immediately, but then a roadblock. A very nice roadblock, but a roadblock none-the-less. My daughter got married. I threw all of my creative energies into making Jessica and John’s wedding as special as I possibly could. The wedding was last Sunday, time to slay the dragon! I am letting you all in on my project because quite frankly, I am the girl who did homework the night before it was due. I work better under pressure. Starting today, Saturday, April 13th, I will be posting something EVERY day that I achieved artistically the day before. It could be oil, watercolor, acrylic, painting on wood, sculpting….the list goes on and on. It could also be a finishing a work that has already been started. (The chip yet again, what is not finished cannot be judged, by me or anyone else.) I am going to start by posting a few projects that I had completed before the wedding. I hope you will all follow along, give me some feedback, and encourage me on my journey.
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