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Artistic Advancements

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Caught your attention didn’t I? Artistic Advancements. What marvel of artistic achievement could I possibly be speaking of? Did I paint a masterpiece just waiting for the call from the Getty? Not so much, although as I said last night, I always do what I say, so I did work on Jessica’s portrait. I am really pleased with my progress. I am finally losing the flatness that has plagued my work in the past. I have also learned at last to just step back. Even now as I write this I want to be back in the other room fixing all the issues I see. I am an impatient artist, I want the painting where I want it to be as quickly as possible. Art doesn’t work that way, at least oil painting. That led to many, many muddy messes. That of course led to frustration and the inevitable resignation, and the declaration of “you aren’t good enough”.  I feel like I’m learning to let the work speak to me, knowing when to put the brush down, put the painting to the side, and return when its had time to dry a little. That is where I am at with Jessica’s face. I worked on it for a couple of hours this afternoon. I made very few changes, only following a few suggestions made by my “in-house” art critic, Dan. Yes, there are a couple of areas I’d like to work on, but I’m happy to wait until the painting is ready for me.

 

Dying of curiosity yet? Several blogs ago I referred to my extremely bad habit of painting where ever, wearing what ever, ruining many pieces of clothing in the process, not to mention a piece of furniture or two. There is also the olive-green carpet that was christened with a squirt of hot pink acrylic. My huge artistic advancement? When I decided it was time to paint today I was wearing a white t-shirt and a beautiful blue and white floral skirt. I set up my paints, my easel, and was about to pick up my brush when I stopped myself. I thought, “What are you doing?” I went upstairs and put on an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans (the victim of a previous paint), and went back down to go to work. When I mentioned to Dan that I felt like I’d made an advancement in my art, he took one look at me and laughed, he knew exactly what was different. Maybe not the most exciting news that you’ve heard today, but for my husband probably the best news he’s had in a while.

Jessica in progress. I’ve posted a “before” and “after”. You may notice a change in hair length. I took the photograph I’m working from a few years ago, Jessica has since grown her hair longer and I think it looks beautiful, so long hair it is.5 30 2 (2)8 21

 

A Smear Of Inspiration

We had friends coming for dinner tonight, which we know of course means that I need to clean my house within an inch of its life. It also meant that I needed to get a piece of art finished before they came. As always I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I have more than a few pieces that need to be finished, including the biggest hurdle, the portrait of Jessica. It has been sitting on my larger easel in the garden, I just need to bring it in and get to work. I have to admit that I have been avoiding it. I haven’t been hearing the “not good enough” voice in my head lately, but there is something about that portrait that allows it to creep into my mind. There is nothing that forces my hand like a promise, I am one of those people who always do what they say, so here goes…I will work on that portrait tomorrow, that will be what I post tomorrow night. That’s it, now I have to do it. Well, now that I committed myself….back to tonight’s saga. I decided to paint in oils, grabbed a photo from my computer, one I had taken in Giverny of a house and garden. I started to paint and it just wasn’t working. Normally this would be where I gave up, I didn’t. I took some paper towel and wiped the canvas clean, but as I looked at the smeared colors I felt inspired. I began playing with the color and building on what was there, after a bit it began to look like water to me, and since my head was still in Giverny I decided to add waterlilies. I was really pleased with my results, not that it’s the greatest painting I’ve ever done, but I love that I just dove in and did it. I need to keep that healthy attitude with me tomorrow when I climb the hurdle of the portrait of Jessica. Actually, I need to carry that with me every time I paint. One of my complaints to Dan over the years was that I couldn’t get what was in my head on the canvas. There was also my need to depend on photographs, mine or others to paint from. Tonight it was all me, no photo, just inspiration from a smear of paint. I’m still having days where I struggle, but more and more I am excited about work yet to come, and hopefully with time it will come easier. And yes, I did a recent blog about the Van Gogh and Monet’s that all artists must attempt, I can honestly say Monet was nowhere near my head when I did this one.

 

Waterlilies oil on canvas.8 20

Speaking Through Art

Do you ever have one of those days where you are so over tired that you accomplish nothing? I had a day like that today. We’ve stayed up far too late the last few nights and are both exhausted. I ended up working on a lot and nothing at the same time. I grabbed an orphaned painting from my studio intent on finishing it today, but changed my mind about finishing the painting. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the idea of it, trouble is it wasn’t my original idea. The painting was based on a photograph from a magazine ad. I loved the pose of the woman and the style of the photo. It was one of the many paintings that I started and stopped due to my fear of judgement upon completion. That was then. I am finishing my work these days. Not all and I need to remedy that. I have roughly four half done oil paintings sitting in my dining room right now. This one I had intended to finish, but as I have also mentioned before, I no longer want to base my work on anything other than photos I take or what comes out of my head. Everyone who has seen what I had completed on this particular piece has said they love it, but I just can’t do it anymore. I want ownership of what I do. I studied the photo today to figure out exactly what appealed to me about it. I realized that it was the way the woman was almost holding herself. I don’t even remember what the ad is about, but the photo evokes a feeling of grieving in me. The posture of the model and how she seems to be holding herself reminds me of when my Mother passed away. There is a loneliness in the loss of someone you love so much. You often hear people say that we all die alone. I think we grieve alone too. Dan was as always compassionate, loving and sensitive. He held me countless times as I sobbed, and continues to be there when I have a momentary sense of loss. The truth is though, that no one can feel my pain and my loss. Even my sisters, because we all had our own relationship with her, and with my Dad I couldn’t relate at all. I said as much to him, that he knew what it was like to lose a parent, I had no idea what it meant to lose someone you have been with for more than fifty years. This photo inspired all of that in me, and as I said, I don’t remember the ad, but I know it wasn’t for something sad. All of this caused me to rethink what I wanted to do. I decided to finish the painting, at least the essence of it. The woman was in bathing attire, I am changing that, her hair, her face, only the position of her body will remain. It is in the position of her body that speaks to me, as if she is comforting and holding herself. I’ve had those moments, I’m sure we all have, moments where you feel so very alone, and in that moment you hold yourself. I want to create my own work that speaks, I want someone to see something I’ve painted and feel. It’s that simple, happy, sad, nostalgic, whatever, I just want to speak through the work.There isn’t much to see as of yet. I began to mess about with the painting before I really knew what I wanted to do. Small preview tonight, and since it is sort of on topic, an artist card I made a few years back that I put a poster edge filter on.artist card, broken heart.jpgposter edge

 

 

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Van Gogh In The Closet

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The last time I discussed Mr. Van Gogh he was appearing in my coffee cup, not tonight. To begin with it is only (hold on to your hats!) seven in the evening and I am posting. A full three hours earlier than usual. This morning I was searching through my photographs for pictures for my daughter, for our joint label design. The client wants some changes, and I was looking through old work and photos for inspiration. She had mentioned that she might like a sunflower and I knew I had a few shots. Well, actually more than a few. By the time I was done sending I think Jessica received seven emails from me, and all before ten a.m., poor girl! I don’t usually know what I want to paint or draw until much later in the day, it’s actually a very last-minute decision most of the time. But as I looked through my photos the sunflowers started to call to me. I have a painting I did a few years ago that I hate. It’s not a horrible painting, but very ordinary, something I referred to as Kirkland’s art. If you don’t know about them, they are a chain of home decor stores. They have those paintings that are reproduced by the hundreds and sold inexpensively. I felt like this one fit the bill, that is until I decided to get a closer look at  my work by cropping the top off. You know what? It really is better than I remember. The sunflowers are beautiful, what I hate is the blue vase I painted them in, and the arranged fruit and napkin at the base (which I won’t be showing you!), to quote Lili Von Shtupp (Blazing Saddles), “Oh, how ordinawy”. I don’t want to create the kind of art that is sold for cheap, now if Christie’s or Sotheby’s came calling that would be a different matter. OK, now that I have gone on and on for far too long, I decided that today I would paint a sunflower.

 

 

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Cropped portion of the top of my older sunflower painting.

New train of thought…this is where Mr. Van Gogh comes in. Do you think that every artist feels the need to paint their “sunflower”, or their “waterlily”? Do we all as artists aspire to be Monet or Van Gogh? Do we all have a sunflower lurking in the corner? These are questions that keep me up at night. Not really. So here on this early Friday evening my new “Sunflower”, oil on canvas, inspired by annoying my daughter before her coffee. Love you Jessica, and I love working with you.

 

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Alias Grandma Moses

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For years I jokingly told Dan I was going to be the next Grandma Moses. I didn’t actually think it would take me this long to get back to painting. I am of course not in my seventies, and based on the photo I saw of Grandma Moses on Sunday at the San Diego Museum of Art, Arnold Newman exhibit, I don’t look anything like her either. (Thank God and good nutrition) I am however in my fifties, an age where, at least in this country, many women are written off. I feel like I am just beginning. I actually look decent for my age, but more importantly, by this point in my life I understand that it isn’t an egotistical thing to say that I am good at something. It’s simply a fact. I find that I have gained a certain amount of self-confidence, it actually sort of crept up on me. We have a friend (thank you Wayne), who said there was something about turning fifty that gave him the right to say what was on his mind. (I’m paraphrasing here.) I am feeling the same way, and I’m definitely feeling it in my work these days. Expression is coming easier, it’s almost as if the paint is flowing easier. After yesterday’s breakthrough I had a moment earlier today, a momentary panic actually, that today’s work would pale in comparison to what I had achieved with the breakthrough. And then my fifty something brain kicked in, it said loud and clear, “who cares?” This is a no regrets project, I’ve said it before, warts and all, everything gets posted. But you know what? I have the beginnings of something really nice. No it isn’t garnering my astonished “Oh My God, I did that”, response of yesterday. And that’s OK. Breakthroughs don’t happen every day, if they did they wouldn’t be so spectacular. What I do have tonight is something that I entered into with fearlessness, and that is a great thing for me and my future as the next Grandma Moses, with of course much better hair and makeup.

Tonight, oil on canvas, orchids from a photo I took on Sunday in San Diego. My favorite color combination, green and purple. Not exactly where I want it to be yet, drying time frustrating me yet again, before I can finish what I want, but I’ve got a good start.

 

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A Breakthrough

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OK, so last night I was bemoaning my self-assigned fate, struggling under the weight of my self-imposed sentence, a year of fine art. I have to admit I was really struggling, I felt like I was in an artistic rut. I have definitely posted a few pieces as of late that I wasn’t proud of, material of the “last-minute homework” style of art. Last night I gave myself an out. I wrote myself a blank check of excuses so that if I didn’t feel like doing what I set out to do, I could get away with it. I believe that my inner “not good enough” voice has gotten very clever. I haven’t been hearing it too much lately, so it devised a way to mask itself and get into my head. Well, not so fast. I had a good day today, actually a great day. I finished about 95% of last night’s painting. There are things I want to add and to change in minor ways, but I need to let it dry for a bit first. I had planned on finishing a few other half-done projects but then I had an epiphany in my garden. We have a wood burning pizza oven. The guy who built it didn’t put any doors on it so we added our own. We made them out of wood, and then lined the inside with copper sheeting. It looked totally cool when we finished it, but then we attempted to make pizza and the door started to go on fire. Lesson learned. We haven’t changed the doors out yet. Today when I was watering the garden I opened the oven door. It’s beautiful. The copper has taken on a variety of colors. I saw those colors and knew I had to paint them. Not an exact replica of the door, but a piece inspired by it. I will admit here and now that I am not a fan of most abstract art. There is actually quite a bit that I dislike immensely. I guess I never understood it, even though in many cases the name is implication enough of what it is about. When I saw the door it made me think of the earth’s creation, of chaos in the heavens, of the earth’s elements coming together. I Never, Ever thought that I would paint abstract. It goes against every perfectionist molecule in my body. Not today, I couldn’t wait to get that brush on the canvas. It came pouring out of me and into my painting. I felt exhilarated because I finally feel like I’m free of so much of the weight of my own self-doubt. Like I found the keys to the kingdom. And all before dinner. That’s right, two paintings (well, one and a half, since one was started last night), in one day, and on a day where I gave myself the time to work. I couldn’t be happier.

 

8 6 (3)Yesterday’s piece inspired by a visit to Balboa Park…

 

 

 

 

…and today’s piece, “Chaos”

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A Change Is Coming

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My last two posts were basically a write off. As I mentioned in previous blogs, when I committed to this project I didn’t take into account things like birthdays, anniversaries and illness. I failed to mention that I might get sick of the project, actually sick of myself. I am well aware that I did this to myself, and also aware that there are no blog police coming to crack down on me. I wanted to commit to doing something for myself mostly I guess to see if I would actually follow through. I rarely do things that are just for me. I am very maternal, a nurturer to the core…for everyone but me. When you lack self-confidence it is easy to direct all of the attention outward, that way you don’t have to look in. I can also say in absolute truth that I really don’t have a selfish bone in my body. Writing a blog daily is very me, me, me. Narcissism run amok. That’s not who I am, so I find myself being just a little bored of myself. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed, and sometimes I actually have other stuff to do. This weekend I felt tremendous pressure to produce, and all that did was provide half-ass, half-finished work, that I quite frankly am not proud of. So here we go again, my blog, my rules.  When I have a guest staying overnight I might just post a photograph. Photography is as much a passion for me as painting, as is cooking. I have posted a few photos of food which people seem to love. I guess I’m saying that as I head further into this project it may expand just a little. I promise no toilet paper cover projects, just a little more variety so that I can look at my posted projects and not feel bad about myself. That unfortunately comes way too easy.

We had a lovely afternoon on Sunday, part of which was spent at Balboa Park in San Diego. There is a beautiful pond with Koi fish and waterlilies, and a few plants that I quite frankly don’t know the names of. I took a lot of photos, and today I decided to paint one of them. It’s oil, and you can see it isn’t finished, but it is ten o’clock and I’m tired. No “Misha” here, (see last week’s blog) I promise to finish tomorrow. I actually have a few projects to get to, and I will.

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Oils, I Have Missed You So

Of course my plan to get out first thing this morning to do a little oil painting never happened. This despite my gushing over how happy I was to have them back. As always I had things to do in the house. I think maybe what I need is a set of horse blinders, you know so I can’t see dirty dishes, dust, or the cat hair tumbleweeds that have been known to travel through my house. By the time I sat down to work it was no longer daytime, but actually about 8:15. I’m just about a third of the way through my project and time management remains an issue for me. That is, I manage to find time for everything else but my art. I will again attempt to make a promise to myself that my art will become a priority, but I think we all know that it still falls under the ” I’ll start my diet Monday” category. I’m beginning to think that it won’t happen until it is supposed to. By that I mean that we all make promises to ourselves and others, and despite our sincerity when we make them, the promises go unmet until the planets align, or the earth spins the other direction, or our brain just kicks in. I’m hoping that one of them happens soon. I find myself so tired by the time I start that sometimes I don’t feel like working. I can’t keep letting that happen.

I did eventually work tonight, in oils, indoors (don’t tell Dan). I had a small square canvas I painted black some time ago. I grabbed it, not sure of what I would paint, but as I walked out of the studio I noticed one of the boutonnieres from my daughter’s wedding sitting near the door. It’s been nearly four months since the wedding and I somehow have ended up in possession of two or three bridesmaids bouquets, three or four boutonnieres and the bride’s bouquet. Actually, I am keeping Jessica’s bouquet because otherwise her pug, Otis the mini-terror, will have his way with it. (He is very cute, but oh so naughty!) I love the look of the dried roses and hydrangea, so I decided to paint those. My canvas is only about four by four, and I really did only a quick study, but I do like it very much, and I LOVE having my oils back! Oils, tomorrow we shall meet again!

By the way, isn’t it Superman that can spin the world backwards? Does anyone know a guy with tights and a cape?

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Jigsaw Puzzle Art

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Like the title of today’s blog? I called it that because that is what I feel like I produced yesterday. I decided to go with oils, and also to try something new. Many of my paintings appear flat to me. Again, without lessons I’m not really sure if I do things the way they should be done. I did a small 9×12 painting based on a photograph I took in central California farm country. I am very drawn to old barns, abandoned buildings, old doors and windows, essentially anything that looks lonely, speaks of solitude, and seem left behind. I haven’t mentioned it before but I am also quite a good photographer. My photography is much the same, lonely; there are never people in my photographs. I was a very shy child and sometimes quite lonely. Alone is a place I’m comfortable in. (I’m sure at this point arm-chair psychologists eyebrows are raised.)…back to my painting saga…

I tried to use a palette knife to lay the paint on thickly. My knife was too big for the small canvas, so it quickly became a mucky mess. I scraped it off and tried again. Same issue. At that point I was feeling defeated, I felt like things just weren’t going to go right. My artistic mojo had abandoned me. I almost gave up, but the blog was calling. I kept thinking that I had to do something. My “not good enough” voice was whispering in my ear, “You have other work you can use.” Do you think it’s possible to get Catholic guilt from a blog? I believe it is, because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t use an old painting, or another piece of art, I couldn’t break my promise to myself. I told my “not good enough” voice to shut up, and I tried again. This time I used a small brush and dabbed the paint on the canvas thickly. It seemed to be working; at least the piece had texture. My husband came in the room and said he liked what I was doing. That gave me the confidence to continue. All in all it took about two hours. When I was finished my husband said he loved it, me not too much. There are particular areas that I like very much, where the paint has a vibrancy that I love, but quite frankly, in the end I don’t like it very much. I wrestled once again with the thought of not posting it, but this blog is about discovering who I am as an artist, so I guess that means warts and all. Even if I think it’s garbage, it will be here. Things will get better, of that I am sure. I have not consistently produced art or painted in years. So I have decided to give myself a break and tell “not good enough” to shut up more often, maybe at some point it may go away.

Oh, the title of today’s blog? When I looked at the painting and told my husband I didn’t like it he said, “I love it”. To which I replied,”You know what it looks like? It looks like one of those awful paintings they turn into a jigsaw puzzle.”

Anyone need a thousand pieces?Image