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One Step Back, One Step Forward

 

Tonight I am angry. I mentioned here in this blog not more than a few days ago that I didn’t want to be “mad” anymore. That changed earlier this evening. Who am I upset with? That would be with myself. Today I had a conversation that I let worm its way into my head. I let it wake the beast, the “not good enough” beast. Today is day fifty-nine of this project, just a day short of two months, and in those two months I have felt myself growing and changing…for the better. I felt myself growing less timid about approaching my work. I felt excited about some of the work I produced, and really hopeful about what I will produce in the future. I let that be taken from me today. When I tried to paint tonight it was nothing more than an exercise in frustration. Three times I put paint on a small canvas, and three times I took a rag and wiped it off.  I am so upset with myself for giving that power to someone else. Every day of the last two months I have been making progress, every day working to lose the chip on my shoulder, learning to turn off the voice in my head that told me I wasn’t good enough. All it took was one conversation to make me feel as though I hadn’t moved ahead at all. I gave up on the painting, and gave up on myself, and I’m sorry I did that. I’m sorry I didn’t push past the insecurity, and to turn a deaf ear to that voice in my head, (and to the “ghost of the past” that came knocking). On a positive note I didn’t completely lose the day. I went back to the studio and picked out another orphan, another painting labelled “not good enough”, I think we commiserated today, my painting and I, both feeling the sting of  feeling like a failure. Unfortunately in my funk, I failed to do a “before” photo of the orphan, so there is only an “after”. I can say this, the brightness of the finished painting makes me feel better. Finishing a painting I had given up on makes me feel better. I just need to tune out the negative. I need to trust the people who truly have my best interests at heart (Dan in particular. I love that you always support me), but most of all I need to trust myself.

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