Late, late night, so even later post. I worked in the kitchen all day baking bread, making homemade dressings, making Quiche and chicken salad, and much, much more. Its something I enjoy very much. We had friends come for dinner. It unfortunately didn’t leave me much time to create art. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about tonight. I’m feeling a little off my game. If it’s possible I think I’m having a little case of writer’s block, as well as a moment of shaky confidence artistically. I was reading a book today that mentioned how sometimes our minds are like monkeys, jumping around from thought to thought, its true, at least for me. Last week I wrote about listening to the quiet voice inside yourself, mine must be whispering because I’m not hearing anything. Dan laughed at me earlier because I said I had been praying and I’m getting a little impatient because my prayers haven’t been answered. I told him that maybe they weren’t working because I can’t quiet my brain long enough to be sincere. Then I think maybe no one is listening because I don’t go to church. I stopped going to mass years ago. I go rarely if I feel like it, but mostly if I’m there it’s because my dad is in town. I feel like a hypocrite sitting there amongst the faithful chanting in prayer when I’m creating a grocery list in my head. I feel closer to God out in the world than I do sitting in a building repeating the same words week after week as if I were a robot. We’ve hit a patch of bad luck in our lives, and its starting to take its toll. It leaves me searching for answers and with an uneasy mind. It’s hard to be creative when you feel like you have a black cloud hanging over us. And I do mean us. The best thing about finding that illusive “soul mate” is that when you do, no matter how tough things get, you always have someone to lean on. So I will continue to pray, hope God knows that my monkey-esque mind is trying to stay on track, and maybe let me know someone is listening.
Tonight one more for my mother. I mentioned a while back about I painting I did while sitting in ICU, it was to hang at her bedside. Sunflowers in watercolor.