Hanging On

Standing on the edge, afraid to jump. That’s me. We went to look at commercial rental properties today and the enormity of our dream slapped me in the face. I’ve been dreaming of opening my own business for more than twenty years, and now that it could become a reality I feel the ghost of “not good enough” filling my brain with doubt. All these months of planning, and suddenly I feel clueless. I started the morning excited and ended it feeling nauseous. I think it’s time once again to have a good talking to myself. It certainly isn’t the work I’m in fear of. I strangely enjoy physical labor. It isn’t that I don’t have the intelligence or qualifications, and it isn’t that I have any doubts about working side by side with my husband every single day. I’ve spent so much of my life making sure everyone around me is happy. I have spent very little time or effort trying to do it for myself, and here it is, my dream, my happiness, my future, and I just don’t know how to do it. I started this post with “standing on the edge”, I think I feel more like I’m holding onto the edge and afraid to pull myself up. There is the chance of failure on the other side and I think that’s what I fear most. This project was the first baby step towards building a life for myself now that my kids are older, but when I think about opening our business it begins to feel like I went from first steps to marathon running. I’ve spent the day worrying, which I know won’t solve anything, but at least I know I’m good at it.11 8

Not much in the way of art tonight. My brain is in a state of panic. Just me hanging on and hoping to pull myself up.

Daring To Dream

Aside from my artistic aspirations I have always had another dream, and that is to go into business. I don’t think when I was younger I knew what kind of business I wanted, I just knew that I wanted one. I also always swore it would be by the time I was forty. Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, forty has come and gone. I am unfortunately one of those people who let far too much of their life pass by without believing in them-self enough to achieve their dreams. Actually, there was quite a bit of time when I didn’t even have one. The time has come. I finally have enough faith in myself to dare to think about what I want for me. I have had more than a few moments of deep sadness about the past, but regrets don’t move you forward, they only dig the hole deeper. What makes my dream even more attainable is that I will be doing it with Dan at my side. We work amazingly well together. More than a few other people have commented on that, particularly my Dad. The last time he visited I mentioned again my dream of opening a place, and he was incredibly supportive. He told me that he believes in me, in us, that he has seen what Dan and I can do together. He is right. We have a very warm and welcoming home, and are embarking on bringing that atmosphere to a business of our own. I can’t say yet what it is, the people closest to us know, call me suspicious, but until things are a little more secure I don’t want to reveal too much. Dan is still without a job, and we both think that all signs are pointing to this being the time for us. It’s risky, we are nervous, there are a few non-believers who think we are crazy, but I believe in us, it actually goes beyond belief, I know we can do it and do it well. Between us we have quite a skill set, there is nothing to stand in our way but us. We are ready to start our future.

All of the above being said, I intend to follow through on my blog, on my art. Over the next few weeks I may be producing pieces of art that will serve a dual purpose, they will be for both this project and our business. Today I revisited Jessica for only a minute, I literally had to force myself to step away. I was thisclose to muddying up her face. I have work to do on it, but I need to gather all of my patience and wait. I pulled myself away and began to work on not one, but three projects. All of them involve the reuse of old materials…that’s right! The recycler is back. Two of Theresa’s old kitchen cabinet doors, serving two very different purposes, not enough to bother posting tonight, you’ll have to wait for those until tomorrow. The other is a piece of scrap wood from our garage. I decided I wanted to wood-burn our upcoming business logo on it and turn it into a sign. Alas, I can’t find my wood burner! Me of the extremely organized studio. I’ve looked everywhere (well, obviously not everywhere or I would have it), so I sketched the design in pencil, and then beat the crap out of two inexpensive ballpoint pens carving the design into the wood. When the wood burner comes out of the witness protection program (I burned myself last time, and have no doubt I will again), I will burn the design in. It isn’t finished. If you’ve ever been insane enough to carve wood with a pen you will understand how much my hand is hurting. I’m quitting for the night, will finish tomorrow, and all will be well with the world, unless of course the wood burner makes an appearance, and then it’s a whole new ball game.

Work in progress…to be continued.8 22