When Have I Suffered Enough For My Art?

It’s OK to laugh now. I mean at me and the things I am about to reveal about myself. In the several weeks of blogging that I have done it has mostly been confined to my artistic troubles. I have let in little glimpses of myself beyond that, but it occurred to me that maybe people might want to read something a little more uplifting, well not exactly uplifting, but it might just give you cause to do that laughing I deemed permissible. For today’s project I decided to work on a small table. I’ll go into the details of it momentarily, except for now to say  that it involved using a wood burner, and it inspired tonight’s blog.

When I was twelve I slit my wrist. Before you gasp in horror let me tell you it wasn’t intentional. Crafty, artistic child that I was, I was in the process of trying to make a present for my working mother. I don’t remember exactly what I was making, but we can all assume it was a project from Highlight’s Magazine, I was an avid reader, and for those of you who are old enough to remember, I still quote Goofus and Gallant. I was cutting a bleach bottle in half with an open blade, it got stuck on the seam so I did what any brainiac would do, I slashed hard at it while holding it in my other hand. My parents were at work, so my big sister put a rubber band on my wrist to stop the bleeding. (She was a freshly turned fourteen year-old, how would she know?) Fortunately my dad came home shortly after that and took me to the emergency room. Two hours later with a butterfly bandage, because it was too late for stitches, and an interrogation by the police officer on duty who I had to convince I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I had for the first time officially suffered for my art. I bring this up because today while using my wood burner I turned to Dan and said that I couldn’t believe my parents gave me a wood burner for Christmas that same year. They gave a burning hot, searing weapon to their daughter, the daughter who accidentally slit her wrist, the daughter who had a gap between her front teeth until she tripped over her sister and smashed her face on the sidewalk, the same girl who can’t tumble, failed swimming lessons, can’t roller skate and didn’t figure out how to ride a bike until she was nine. Did anyone ever get the toy where you poured paint on a spinning device similar to a record player? I got it, spun the paint all over my bed. Stepped on a tube of acrylic paint in my teenage bedroom and shot hot pink across the olive-green carpet. I swear I have no fingerprints, they are all attached to the hot glue that I have had to pull off my burning fingers. My dad’s favorite story to tell about me to anyone willing to listen (and even those who don’t want to listen) is that I failed Phys Ed in high school. It’s true, of course my P.E. teacher is a dead ringer for the witch in the Wizard of Oz, I kid you not, I’ve got the yearbooks to prove it. Then there is of course my six knee surgeries. Tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell down a flight of stairs, fell off a ladder, (twice) tried to hang a kitchen curtain, you get the idea. (Although Dan said he likes to tell people I did it pole dancing. Which might be possible if I could actually get on a pole) What I want to know is if suffering makes your art better, then why aren’t my paintings at the Getty yet?

Now that you all know just how pathetic I can be, I will tell you where I’m not. I took this five dollar table that I bought at a yard sale and am in the process of turning it into something I love. (I have a before photo. I’m not sure where in my pictures it is right now, but I promise to post it when I put up the finished table tomorrow) I had two ideas for it. One would have turned it into something for a kid’s room, but I went instead with an idea based on a piece of vintage fabric. Dan painted the base black for me. On the top I wood burned a floral design that I am painting with those Martha Stewart Pearl paints I mentioned before. I love, love, love them! It looks like inlaid Mother Of Pearl. I still need to draw two more of the flowers for the top and burn them. It is painstaking and time-consuming, but I love the finished look. When I am finished with the flowers I am going to add a light coat of stain.

It’s been a good day, and I only burned myself once!

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Letting Go Of Perfection

I never know from day-to-day what I am going to create, much less what I will blog about. Both projects are discovering themselves as my day goes on. I will have to be very honest here, both the art and the writing are on the top of my daily “to do” list, but both are the last things I do at the end of the day most of the time. Why? I’m still struggling with putting myself first and letting go of my duties as wife/mother. I’m still making sure the kitchen gets cleaned in the morning, and that there are meals on the table, and every other thing I can think of in between. I’m working on it, but without much success. I will continue to figure this out, and at some point (hopefully) I’ll learn to ignore that the floor needs to be swept. (Disclosure: I can’t eat at those restaurants where they have rude wait staff and peanut shells on the floor. I cannot stand rudeness, and absolutely cannot eat in a place that has a dirty floor. I don’t know why I feel the need to share this, except that maybe it lets you know me just a little better. One might think by reading that, that I am a neat freak. Far from the truth. My house is clean, very clean, well at least as clean as a house with three cats and a twenty-two year old male can be, but I’m messy. I think I mentioned that before, I mean the me being messy part, again for no particular reason…)

I brought all of the above up because I (as regular readers might know by now) am struggling with not being good enough or perfect in my art. Tonight I had a little breakthrough. I didn’t work earlier today because of anything more than it was really hot here today, and unusually humid. Hot plus humid equal lethargic for me. I just wasn’t in the mood. Not that I didn’t try. I made a few pathetic attempts at something with clay, and although I promised to put up all work, warts and all, I didn’t even come up with something I could photograph even as an attempt. So at the magic hour of seven p.m., which seems to be turning into my starting time, I began a watercolor painting. My breakthrough was that I didn’t sweat it at all. When I do a rough sketch for a painting I worry over every little detail. I measure and fuss over the drawing being just right. I didn’t measure tonight. I just sketched, and then I just painted. In a moment I had the thought that the reality is, unless I am painting a well-known monument, the people who see my work are more than likely to never see the photo I use as inspiration, or into my brain to see where ideas spring from there (God forbid!). I started out tonight feeling like I was doing homework again, but then I relaxed, I let the process and my enjoyment of it take over. The finished project, a watercolor and ink inspired by a photo I took in Carmel, California, isn’t perfect. The perspective isn’t perfect. I am not perfect, and I’m learning to be content with all of it.

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A Not So Original

Back to full size art! A busy weekend didn’t allow for a lot of time for art. I’m going to pat myself on the back once again for following through on my project. The art may have been small, but I still managed to get it done.

Tonight I decided to work on something that has been on my “to do” list for quite a while. Among my collection of vintage tins is one that I have wanted to reproduce. I love the design on the tin, but it is small, and I’ve always thought I would love to see it enlarged. I wanted to create my own version, one based on the original but not an exact replica. It isn’t something I make a habit of. I have great respect for the work of other artists. This is a project just for me, to hang in my own house. I actually had a long-standing argument with a family member about piracy. The livelihood of so many people can hinge on the work of one person. My argument has always been that I wouldn’t want someone taking my work without giving credit or compensation. I have noticed the work of a few bloggers with copyright posted on it. It is unfortunate that we can’t trust each other enough.

I hope as time passes with this blog to begin to sell my work. Selling has been a sore point for me. I have worked so little in my life that selling a painting is like giving up a child for me. And as I need to remind myself, the point of this project is to clean out my studio as much as it is to produce work. As it stands right now my portfolio is full, and as for wall space in our house, it is almost nonexistent. My son still lives at home, so I have no “empty nest” issues as of yet, but I guess just as I steel myself up for Brian’s departure, I must also do the same when it comes to selling art.

The design on the box is by Henry Clive. I’ve owned this box for years and never really looked at the signature before. I did an internet search of Mr. Clive and have found another artist and illustrator to love. I really had no idea. So with a nod to Mr. Clive, here is my watercolor of his design.Image

The Art Of Simplicity

I think I have spent years complicating my artistic process. When you focus on what you can’t do I think it tends to color what you can do. I have now spent forty days on my project. When I started I was focused on this idea of using up all of the materials I had filled my studio with over the years. I don’t think I really thought about the commitment to the work, or how it might affect me, and it has. Over the course of the last twenty years I have started far more projects than I’ve finished. Drawings, painting, even silly craft projects, where something didn’t look right, or I would make a mistake, or more likely, I would decide that whatever it was, it wasn’t good enough, and then the project was scrapped. Even now if I were to clean out the studio, and our garages, there would be a lot of half done paintings, pieces of wood, etc.. I had given up on myself and it is reflected in every unfinished project. What has happened to me in the last forty days is a transformation. I kept my promise to myself, and that’s a big accomplishment. I have produced more than fifty pieces of art in that time. Not every piece is something I love, or even like. But what is important, the biggest accomplishment is that in the process of creating those pieces I struggled with several, and didn’t stop.There were a couple that I was ready to quit, but I didn’t, I stuck it out. Some of those turned out to be some of the best work that I have created since I started this. I believe that forcing myself to confront this mental ball and chain I been dragging along has done great things for me.  My thought process is changing. The thoughts of what I can’t do are straying further and further from my mind. That is because I have forty days of “can do” looking me in the face. When you start something and you are already defeated, you have lost before you have begun. I have a quote on a magnet, I think it is Eleanor Roosevelt, but it states, “Do something everyday that scares you”. I bought it a few years ago when I was in another of the endless “new starts” that I promised myself. Sort of like all the diets that start next Monday, and  trust me I am very familiar with that one. The magnet has been sitting on my drawing table, and I have looked at it so often and thought, “It’s time”. I didn’t do it. I was afraid. Of what? Failure, maybe finding out that after all of the years of “what if?” I might discover that even if I had taken those art lessons I felt cheated out of, I still wouldn’t have been the artist I wanted to be. I am doing something every day, but guess what? I’m not afraid anymore. A little uncertain, yes. A little lost, yes. But things are getting better with every day, with every project. It’s simple. One project, one day at a time.

Two motivations behind tonight’s project. The first is that I am still trying to fulfill the object of the project. I bought a couple of mat boards at Blick last year simply because I liked that the size of the opening was different, it is long and rectangular. So when I went upstairs to see what I would do today I came across them and decided that whatever I did tonight needed to fit in that opening. The second motivation is that Dan likes pen and ink drawings. So for tonight a “simple” pen and ink.IMG_9705

The Season

It’s Autumn

But the leaves

Have yet to fall.

The time is now,

Opportunity is in my waiting hands.

The frost of Winter

A distant expectation.

Mother Earth at her voluptuous best,

Ripened fruit,

Lush with knowledge.

Now is the time of realization,

Seeds of Spring

Long since grown,

Summers promise

At last fulfilled.

Now is the time

Before Winter’s harsh wind

The harvest of self,

To reap reward,

To be at last,

What I was meant

To be.Autumn (1)

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday’s thoughts, today’s project, watercolor and ink.

Tomorrow Is Another Day

There may come a day, or hopefully days, when I am not typing this blog at ten when all I really want to do is to go to bed. Each night I swear I will put my artistic endeavors above all else the following day, and night after night I sit here knocking out a piece of art after dinner. My poor husband has fallen asleep on the couch far too many times waiting for me to finish, but there is unfortunately always something that gets in the way, and sometimes it’s not even me. There was  cleaning the house, cleaning out cat litter, cooking breakfast, making lunch, grocery shopping, three hours working on the faux brick wall project, and cooking dinner. The day just gets away from me. I’ve hashed this problem out in my head over and over. If I want to do real quality work, and anything substantial I need to start rethinking my life. I need to let some things go. So as Scarlett said, “Tomorrow is another day”, and so I will try again, try to make myself a priority, try to make my artwork a priority. Trouble is when you spend most of your life putting the needs and wants of everyone else first it becomes automatic. As I said the other day, it’s been a month since I started this project. I think I can honestly say that I may have set time aside early in the day less than a hand full of times. But I guess it’s all a work in progress, it isn’t only my work that is growing and evolving, but I think I am doing the same in other ways. I don’t stick to things, I have so many unfinished projects, but here now in my portfolio I have more than thirty pieces of finished art. I’m proud of that, and proud of myself for doing it. I feel like my personal confidence is growing with my artistic confidence, and I know that I feel happier and more content than I did a month ago. Doing things for others is very gratifying, I am a person who likes to give gifts rather than receive them, but I feel like I’m giving myself the best gift I’ve ever gotten, me, the way I was meant to be.

Tonight’s project was a simple drawing exercise. Its something I really need to work on. I know I mentioned the instant gratification person that I am. Drawing runs the gamut between pain and pleasure for me. Sometimes I absolutely love it, sometimes its algebra (a subject best left unspoken about). Painting is much more effortless for me, unless of course I torture myself with architectural type paintings. But I truly believe I can’t be the artist I want to be without working on all my skills.photo(4)

Here Comes The Bride

Tonight I’m really happy with myself. I spent the day working on two completely different projects, one which I enjoyed, the other not so much. I read on Pinterest how to make a homemade canvas print. It didn’t work on the first try, but that was because I rushed it, the second version came out really good with one exception, I cut the photo just a hint too narrow. The sides get painted black which cures all ills as far as I’m concerned. I didn’t photograph it yet, and I’m tired so I’ll post it tomorrow.

The other project was a crafty sort of thing, which I really don’t do much of, but it still came out well.

After all of that and cooking dinner, it was as usual  late when I started my project. Once I actually got my supplies together and did the basic sketch it was after eight. I once again attempted something I haven’t done before, a watercolor portrait. Earlier in the day I was looking at the photos of my daughter’s recent wedding. I came across more than a few that I loved, but one really stood out. I loved it so much that I decided to draw it, but once I sat down tonight I thought I’d really like to paint it. Because I am the queen of instant gratification I chose watercolor. I knew I wasn’t exactly sure how to do it, but dove in. It’s funny that as often as I talk about the “not good enough” that lives in my brain, I sometimes forget that and forge ahead, and that is always a good thing. I am very happy to say that I think the results are really good. Most especially because I did the painting in about an hour and a half while watching television, in my lap, and with horrible lighting, and it was my first. I think the practice in both technique and confidence are starting to pay off. Here is my beautiful daughter, Jessica.Image

A Flower For Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to anyone who might be a mom and reading this. It is as almost always the end of the day, and I only hope that if you are a mom you had as nice a day as I did.  I spent the afternoon sitting in the garden drawing with colored pencil. It is a photo I had taken at the Virginia Tech Arboretum. My husband made a beautiful breakfast, my son did the clean up. My daughter and new son in law came over in the afternoon, and then this evening my husband made a beautiful dinner.  I specifically asked that no one spend money that they didn’t have. I have too much in the way of “stuff” in my life, I would rather have something personal. I also requested that neither my daughter or son get flowers, I wanted basil for my garden.  Since I began this blog a month ago I have touched on from time to time not having the family support I needed as a kid to pursue my artistic dreams. That is not the case with my own family now. From my husband some always much needed paint brushes and a beautiful letter, My daughter and son in law gave me a new palette, some oils, a canvas roll for traveling with my brushes, and a small and really small canvas. My daughter also gave me a lipstick she knew I would like. My son gave me something really wonderful. He wrote me a poem based on this artistic journey I am on. It was so beautiful and personal that it made me cry. The people I love most in this world get it, they get me and what this is all about. They have all contributed to me feeling good enough about myself to even embark on this kind of project. It means everything to me. My daughter “likes” my work every day on her Facebook page and shares it with her friends. My husband “likes” it with his blog so that his readers see it too. My son sits by my side and helps me choose which shot of my project is the best one to use. I’m keeping it short tonight. No struggles over my work tonight. Just a deep appreciation for the people who love and support me, and who will be there to help me achieve my dreams. A thank you to all of them. I love you all.Image

Here We Go Again

I started my day with the intention of finishing my table, but I sidelined the project because of an invitation from a very handsome man for a lunch date. (My husband of course!) He asked me to lunch and for a visit to the San Diego Museum of Art to see a new exhibition he knew I wanted to see. The works of Giambattista Piranesi, architect, designer, art dealer, and print maker, among many other things. The work was beautiful, more than 300 original prints from the 18th century. The detail and perspective of each sketch was incredibly precise. As always I left the museum inspired. I contemplated doing a pen and ink sketch, but by the time we came home, both a sore ankle and the wine from lunch had taken their toll.

We sat out in our beautiful garden for a while, where I again looked for inspiration. My thoughts came back once again to the idea of some altered art. At the museum Dan and I had discussed different work that appeals to me, and how none of it is “perfect”. I simply love the pieces for what they are and the feelings they invoke. Later in the car we again discussed my post of the other day where I called myself “uptight”. He said I’m not so much uptight as timid. I decided to attempt a piece of something out of my comfort zone for this evening.

Several years ago I had used two scrap wood pieces to mount some candle wall sconces on. When I did them I didn’t see that they resembled the shape of a house. The sconces hang alone now, and the wood was sitting in my studio. I’m still working on the project as I write this, and until this moment wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with it. I printed a photo of an angel that I took in a cemetery in Richmond, Virginia a few years ago on water slide decal paper. The paper has to sit for at least thirty minutes to dry and then you have to sit it in water for about sixty seconds, the image slides off and can be applied to your surface. The wood had a hole in it, I decided to use my wood burner to create a halo/crown behind her head. Then I got stuck. I played around with small pieces I had in my studio, searching for just the right piece. I eventually realized that because she is a gravestone angel, the image represents the passing of time to me. I searched on the internet and found a quote by William Blake. It states, “To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour.” I am waiting for the quote to dry on another piece of the decal paper, but wasn’t sure where to go from there. As I wrote this a thought occurred to me, when my mother died I wrote a verse about it, and used a small box I had to create a small piece of art that sits on my vanity. Part of that verse refers to my no longer having a home, that my dad is still there but that without her it isn’t home anymore. This will all make sense I think once the piece is done, which is obviously not going to happen tonight due to decal drying time. So I will again tonight post an unfinished piece, and a photo of the piece about my mother. Tomorrow I believe I can achieve what is in my head tonight.

 

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An Idea Come To Life

It has been a long day. The lovely long walk of yesterday came back to bite me in the you know where. I haven’t hiked in quite some time, so my body decided to remind me how old I am, and express its displeasure by hurting in more ways than I care to mention. My post is even later than usual tonight, not because I put my project off as we all know I’ve been doing, but because what I chose to do took several hours.

I’ve been saying for days now that I wanted to attempt some altered art, but again today I changed my mind. Today wasn’t about avoiding what I promised to do, but rather finally working on an idea I have had for a long time. A few years ago we went to Paris. We had hoped to find a really great flea market, but only found one high-end one where the items were far beyond anything we could afford. When we got back from our trip I purchased a few “souvenirs” on eBay and etsy. One of the things I found was a vintage powder tin. I loved the graphics on the lid and always thought I’d like to replicate it as a small table top. As promised when I started this project, I want to use what I already have. I have two of the precut circular pieces of wood that they sell at the home improvement stores, so I painted my tabletop today. I’m not completely finished. By the time I stopped painting it was after ten, so tomorrow will be about touch ups in better light. For the base of the table I’m going to use the bottom of an old bubble gum machine I bought at the Goodwill. I am also considering a little gold leaf on the edges, but again all will be decided in the morning light.

So, no promises about what I will do tomorrow. Like today I will see where my mood takes me. Sometimes the things I like best are the ones I didn’t plan.image