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Monthly Archives: April 2013

Painting Under Pressure

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Yesterday was not a good day for art, and today isn’t much better. I was actually cursing myself last night for starting this blog…the pressure….the pressure.

I painted last night, and drew last night, but did I complete anything? No I did not. Also, as I predicted it was late at night in a hotel room. There were a few problems dancing around in my head, most of which are personal and I won’t share, but two other issues were in the way. The first is that the drive through the Arizona desert wasn’t the inspirational trip I hoped for. I’m sure you have all heard that the desert can be magical. Maybe you are one of the people who believe that, I am not. I enjoy color, vibrancy…living things. OK, I admit there are times when the light is right, or the night sky is filled with stars that it looks beautiful. I think the people who call it magical are dying of thirst and hallucinating.  If I were a pioneer and got this far I probably would have said, “Crap, I starved, suffered and sacrificed for this?” At that point I would have made a u-turn in the wagon, (of course only if it was legal), and headed back to the other coast.  Then the other issue, which was actually a good thing. If you ever get to Scottsdale check out Zinc Bistro. The closest thing we’ve found to Paris since Annisette’s closed in Santa Monica.  A cheese and charcuterie course, a bottle of French wine, well lets just say I chose a lovely early dinner with the love of my life over art. If you knew him you wouldn’t blame me in the least.

This morning I tried again. Reworking some of last nights work, nothing was going right. So I spent a few hours pursuing my other passion, antique browsing. Late afternoon back at the hotel, the stars aligned, angels sang, and I did a watercolor.  Ladies and gentlemen, Finally, today’s work of art! (And actually since it was for yesterday I still have to work tonight. But, I will be home in California, and there will be color!).

And since this writing this in the car and can’t figure out how to attach my photo, I will post it on its own.

Getting My Priorities Straight

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So there I was again last night, trying to think of something to do for this blog. It was after seven and I hadn’t even begun to figure out what I wanted to do. Why is this? Let’s see, oh yes, the refrigerator repair man was coming yesterday. That’s right, and of course there is the chance that he might be bringing the cleanliness inspectors. He said any time between ten and two, that’s a big window, and I woke before six, but I cleaned until he came. I mentioned being my father’s daughter the other day. Well, this is where I am my mother. No one, and I mean no one, gets into the house if it isn’t impeccably clean. Because as you all know that is how it looks all the time. The honest truth is that I am messy. Not dirty, there is a HUGE difference, but when I cook the kitchen is a disaster. When I paint, there is paint everywhere, including almost always on my face. If I could recreate a tree from the amount of paper in my house I could make a redwood or two. So art was pushed aside in pursuit of a clean kitchen floor. I then chose to work on a picture for a friend, it was Winnie the you know who (and, for the sake of legal crap will not be making an appearance here). She has a niece coming to visit and I wanted to contribute to the decor. Another friend has just become a grandmother, so I needed another gift. When that was done there was a trip to the post office, stuff to return at the store, grocery shopping, you get it. I put everything ahead of the project at hand. It isn’t that I don’t want to work on my art, I have just become so accustomed to putting it and myself last that I don’t even think about it. This self imposed pressure that I have created by starting this blog will hopefully change that.

Earlier in the day I had been looking through a box of words that I have. It is a box filled with magazine clipping of single words and quotes. I love words, I love quotes, and my intention with all of this was to create collage, and do some art journaling. (Notice the word intention, I have a lot of intentions when it comes to art, I just don’t follow through on it.) I came across a scanned photo of myself from kindergarten. It is a bad, pix-elated photo that has scratches in it. As I looked at that photo I wondered about the little girl I used to be, and how I ended up so full of self doubt. So I drew me, at least the me I was a very long, long time ago. I’ve never done a self portrait, and again I tried a different approach to sketching, but I am fairly happy with the results. That led me to a quick drawing of a lemon at 4:30 this morning (absolutely insane, and I know it). Here are my drawings.

By the way, the fridge is fixed, my house is still somewhat clean, but I will be traveling today. What does that mean for art today? Who knows? There is the distinct possibility that I will be up late tonight in a hotel room frantically sketching something.ImageImageArt, Illustration, sketching, thoughts

Daily Prompt: Million-Dollar Question

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I started a blog a few years ago because my mom died. I felt this overwhelming need to let the world know that she had been here. She never valued herself enough. I stopped because it became more about my dad…enough said. I have begun again, except this time it is a blog for me, because like my mom I never valued myself enough. I am an artist, I was born one, but I was afraid to expose my talent for fear of being judged. It is my time now, I don’t want my daughter to feel the need to blog about me.

Jigsaw Puzzle Art

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Like the title of today’s blog? I called it that because that is what I feel like I produced yesterday. I decided to go with oils, and also to try something new. Many of my paintings appear flat to me. Again, without lessons I’m not really sure if I do things the way they should be done. I did a small 9×12 painting based on a photograph I took in central California farm country. I am very drawn to old barns, abandoned buildings, old doors and windows, essentially anything that looks lonely, speaks of solitude, and seem left behind. I haven’t mentioned it before but I am also quite a good photographer. My photography is much the same, lonely; there are never people in my photographs. I was a very shy child and sometimes quite lonely. Alone is a place I’m comfortable in. (I’m sure at this point arm-chair psychologists eyebrows are raised.)…back to my painting saga…

I tried to use a palette knife to lay the paint on thickly. My knife was too big for the small canvas, so it quickly became a mucky mess. I scraped it off and tried again. Same issue. At that point I was feeling defeated, I felt like things just weren’t going to go right. My artistic mojo had abandoned me. I almost gave up, but the blog was calling. I kept thinking that I had to do something. My “not good enough” voice was whispering in my ear, “You have other work you can use.” Do you think it’s possible to get Catholic guilt from a blog? I believe it is, because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t use an old painting, or another piece of art, I couldn’t break my promise to myself. I told my “not good enough” voice to shut up, and I tried again. This time I used a small brush and dabbed the paint on the canvas thickly. It seemed to be working; at least the piece had texture. My husband came in the room and said he liked what I was doing. That gave me the confidence to continue. All in all it took about two hours. When I was finished my husband said he loved it, me not too much. There are particular areas that I like very much, where the paint has a vibrancy that I love, but quite frankly, in the end I don’t like it very much. I wrestled once again with the thought of not posting it, but this blog is about discovering who I am as an artist, so I guess that means warts and all. Even if I think it’s garbage, it will be here. Things will get better, of that I am sure. I have not consistently produced art or painted in years. So I have decided to give myself a break and tell “not good enough” to shut up more often, maybe at some point it may go away.

Oh, the title of today’s blog? When I looked at the painting and told my husband I didn’t like it he said, “I love it”. To which I replied,”You know what it looks like? It looks like one of those awful paintings they turn into a jigsaw puzzle.”

Anyone need a thousand pieces?Image

Deadlines!

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Long day yesterday. We spent the day doing our taxes which I can tell you doesn’t inspire much in the way of creativity. We didn’t finish until after six last night. I threw together a quick dinner, which for me means spaghetti carbonara, and then hoped to relax for the evening. As I ate dinner, I repeatedly told my husband that I needed to do something for this project. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I honestly feel so compelled to follow through on this that I couldn’t let it go. I looked around in my studio to see what I had at hand that would be quick. Feeling the “night before homework is due” pressure, figuring out what I could “hand in”. I didn’t want to do another watercolor, I didn’t want to do another small artist card just to get something done. I decided I was going to draw something. As an artist my biggest downfall is perspective. With never having had art lessons I don’t have many of the fundamental skills. Actually it contributes to another huge issue for me, the need for things to look like they are meant to look. As if I am a Kinkos copy machine. When I paint or draw I criticize myself horribly for it. I know, ridiculous right? I like other people’s work that isn’t “perfect”, so why do I expect that of myself? At this point I think I don’t have a chip on my shoulder but a rather large boulder. So after that long therapeutic rant, I will finish my story. I grabbed a couple of photos that were taped up in the studio, figuring I would draw one of them. I sat in my family room trying to draw but it just wasn’t coming. By this time it is after eight. I flipped through a few magazines, tried another drawing and again nothing. I told my husband that I was going to draw him. I have little to no experience in figure drawing so I thought I would at least try. The thing is when you want someone to model for you it is probably a good idea to tell them not to move. I didn’t, he did, and the drawing was finished before it got anywhere. Again I looked around for something, anything to fulfill my commitment. Behind me on a shelf was a photograph of my grandmother, Florence. I love faces, to look at, to study, and to draw. Florence became my project. I drew for roughly an hour, thought I was done, but then this morning I got up and looked at her, and decided she deserved better. Another hour or two this morning and I think she is done. I may revisit after my eyes uncross, but I’m happy with the results for now. Somehow I managed to reach both my deadlines yesterday, amazing! Art and taxes!Nana 1 (2)

The First Date is Over

You know that feeling when you are going out with someone for the first time? You feel all nervous but excited at the prospect of what could be coming your way. That’s how I felt about yesterday. I was terrified of heading into this project, but at the same time excited about finally forcing my own hand (literally!) I spent time creating the page that would explain it all, I jumped head first into a few paintings, I told just about everyone what I was going to do. I got great feedback, mostly on my Facebook page. I had hoped, and still do, that my family and friends might offer feedback right here on the blog. (Hint inserted here.) I did get one wonderful comment that brought a smile to my face, and was excited to see people following my page.

By last night fear began to creep in. The excitement of the first date over, the did fear of, “Did he like me, is he going to call?” nonsense started. Yesterday was a pretty stressful day. Some issues relating to other parts of our life were causing upset to both my husband and I. We had a good day despite the stress, but I, as always, internalized the situation.  I find it difficult to be creative when I’m upset. The whole suffering for your art thing never made sense to me. I believe that in giving birth naturally to two eight pound plus babies, and having had six knee surgeries (Again, good with the hands, not so good with the feet.) I have suffered more than enough for my art and that of everyone else too. I am happy when I create. As the day wore on the weight of what I had done to myself was crashing down on me. I had committed to the world that I was going to produce one piece of art EVERY day. I pulled out my watercolors and painted. I didn’t just produce one painting, I did three. Two are artist card size. For those of you not familiar with the Artist Trading Card movement Google it.( Worth reading about and trying to do yourself if you’ve been hiding your own creative desires.) The size is similar to a wallet size. Two and a half, by three and a half in size, it can be anything, made any way as long as the size is right. I find it an easy way to do a quick piece of art, especially when I promised to do some! I will publicly admit right now that all three are falling into the “not good enough” category in my head. I am posting the three of them because I said I would, and I always keep my promises. So that being said and my excitement diminished, here are three pieces of work. Not my best, but not my worst, and at least I did it!

April 14 (1)

April 14 (2)April 14 (4)

Temecula Hills

This oil was done in about an hour. Standing at my studio window, looking out on the hills of California.IMG_9703

The beginning!

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A few months back I picked up a book called “A Daily Creativity Journal 365 Make Something Every Day And Change Your Life!”  It really resonated with me. I’ve been stuck in an artistic rut for years. Huge chip on my shoulders because I never got art lessons. I did get tap dance, ballerina, Irish Step Dancing, and guitar lessons. Those of you who know and love the uncoordinated individual I am understand what a waste of time most of the above mentioned lessons were. As for guitar, my sister was taking piano and my parents had visions of us becoming an all girl band at some point, so I was denied the piano lessons I truly craved (one can’t have two pianos in one band). The guitar teacher was a hideous man, his brother the piano teacher wasn’t much better, but at least he had the instrument I wanted. On Saturday mornings my sister and I would head to lessons, dreading the hour ahead and quite honestly, making fun of the teachers on the way. Soon enough we figured out that if we lied to the piano/guitar teachers, telling them our parents couldn’t bring us the following week, and telling our parents that the teachers had an event, we could spend the morning doing what we pleased. Needless to say, I don’t play the guitar. What I can do is draw, and paint, and build, and design, and re envision just about anything you might put in front of me. I can also create in the kitchen, I’m an excellent cook and baker. Pretty much anything I can do with my hands is achievable. Now that I’ve dragged out my introduction, and probably provided fodder for therapy, I’ll get to the point. I actually do something creative pretty much every day. What I don’t do every day is art. I avoid it. The fear of “I’m not good enough” dancing through my brain. (Remember the chip?) I make beautiful food, paint rooms in my house, plant flowers in my garden. All of that comes so easy to me.

I read this book and thought, “I can do this”.  I had a hard time deciding what exactly I wanted to do. I’m a little A.D.D. when it comes to art. I like to do so many things. I went into my studio and looked around, and then it came to me. I’m going to clean out my studio. Not clean out as in tidy up, it is truly one of the most organized spaces you will find. I am my father’s daughter after all. Every little item is labeled and in its place. I can get what you need from there in a fraction of a second. Organizing my studio has become another tool for avoiding actually doing the work of art. An idea popped into my head. I will spend a year using the supplies at hand. Cleaning Out My Artistic Refrigerator was born. I was very excited at the prospect, and truly did start almost immediately, but then a roadblock. A very nice roadblock, but a roadblock none-the-less. My daughter got married. I threw all of my creative energies into making Jessica and John’s wedding as special as I possibly could. The wedding was last Sunday, time to slay the dragon! I am letting you all in on my project because quite frankly, I am the girl who did homework the night before it was due. I work better under pressure. Starting today, Saturday, April 13th, I will be posting something EVERY day that I achieved artistically the day before. It could be oil, watercolor, acrylic, painting on wood, sculpting….the list goes on and on. It could also be a finishing a work that has already been started. (The chip yet again, what is not finished cannot be judged, by me or anyone else.) I am going to start by posting a few projects that I had completed before the wedding. I hope you will all follow along, give me some feedback, and encourage me on my journey.

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