Happy Mother’s Day to anyone who might be a mom and reading this. It is as almost always the end of the day, and I only hope that if you are a mom you had as nice a day as I did. I spent the afternoon sitting in the garden drawing with colored pencil. It is a photo I had taken at the Virginia Tech Arboretum. My husband made a beautiful breakfast, my son did the clean up. My daughter and new son in law came over in the afternoon, and then this evening my husband made a beautiful dinner. I specifically asked that no one spend money that they didn’t have. I have too much in the way of “stuff” in my life, I would rather have something personal. I also requested that neither my daughter or son get flowers, I wanted basil for my garden. Since I began this blog a month ago I have touched on from time to time not having the family support I needed as a kid to pursue my artistic dreams. That is not the case with my own family now. From my husband some always much needed paint brushes and a beautiful letter, My daughter and son in law gave me a new palette, some oils, a canvas roll for traveling with my brushes, and a small and really small canvas. My daughter also gave me a lipstick she knew I would like. My son gave me something really wonderful. He wrote me a poem based on this artistic journey I am on. It was so beautiful and personal that it made me cry. The people I love most in this world get it, they get me and what this is all about. They have all contributed to me feeling good enough about myself to even embark on this kind of project. It means everything to me. My daughter “likes” my work every day on her Facebook page and shares it with her friends. My husband “likes” it with his blog so that his readers see it too. My son sits by my side and helps me choose which shot of my project is the best one to use. I’m keeping it short tonight. No struggles over my work tonight. Just a deep appreciation for the people who love and support me, and who will be there to help me achieve my dreams. A thank you to all of them. I love you all.
Monthly Archives: May 2013
From My Artistic Fridge Into The Frying Pan
Tonight’s project isn’t really in the pan, it’s in the oven. Just sounds better doesn’t it? As I promised myself at the beginning of this blog, I intend to use up the supplies in my studio over the course of the next year. I started today with adding a little gold leaf around the table top that I painted. I’m really happy with the results. I need to touch up the underside of the table top, and then Dan will be attaching it to the bottom. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but the bottom is the stand from a bubble gum machine that I purchased at Goodwill. It’s an ornate metal which I think will look really good with the top. It is a little too shiny, kind of cheap looking right now, I may repaint it and possibly add some gold leaf there too. I was liking the effect of the gold leaf so much that I looked through my crap to find something else to use it on. I found a cheap unfinished wooden frame from the craft store. I decoupaged some vintage wallpaper on it, and then gold leafed the edges. I also have a book of project ideas. More craft than fine art kind of stuff, but I paged through that to look for other ideas for the day. I found something about transferring photo copies using a black and white copy, coloring the back with light gray marker and then transferring it onto another piece of paper. I did it twice, followed the directions exactly and it didn’t work. I was more upset about using up my gray marker than anything else.
The crafty stuff comes really easy to me. I honestly don’t even have to think that much about it. I wish I could find that ease and confidence with the stuff that does matter to me, the fine art stuff. Hopefully by the end of my year-long process that will happen. I’m hoping to gain confidence, but also I think like any instrument if you don’t use it you aren’t going to play well. I’d honestly at some point like to have enough work to have a show. That would be a real achievement for me. I’d also like to get some prints made of my work. Does anyone who reads this know the best place for that? I’d really appreciate the info.
Back to tonight…What’s in the oven? Not a cake, though I wish there was one. I sculpted a few flowers out of home bake clay. In my search for something to do I came across a rough piece of wood. I’m not even sure what it’s from, but I like the texture of it. I thought adding a few sculpted flowers would look beautiful on it.
I’m back with a finished project. Well, almost finished. I glued down the flowers and then painted the whole thing with a coat of white wash. I’m not 100% sold on the white, but it’s late. Tomorrow I plan to finish the table and post a photo. I also am anxious to get back to my oil painting. I need to see if it is dry enough yet. I feel good tonight about the things I got done today. I felt like I let myself down last night. I need to stop second guessing myself!
Leaving Well Enough Alone
So tonight I have a really, really , really small piece of art to post. Worse than that, it was a pathetic desperate excuse for a piece of art work for my blog. I’m tired (I know, again, but if you haven’t figured out that I’m just a little older….) anyway, I did work on art today, I worked for hours bent over a project in the yard. I could show you what I did, but you’ve seen it before, several days ago in fact. It is a table top based on a vintage powder can that I own. All it needed was a few touch ups, but then the perfectionist in me took over. (I’m sort of like Sybil. Who? A woman with sixteen personalities, that’s who. I have several myself, in no particular order, perfectionist, control freak, insecure, and timid to name a few). I’m back! As I was saying, I started doing the touch ups, but then I wasn’t happy with the background color, then the shade of black, the lines were too wide, her forehead to big….insert silent scream here…I pretty much ended up repainting the whole thing. Dan asked about it. He thought I was done, I was done, but apparently not done enough. The biggest issue is time. (Actually the biggest issue is me.) Like most artists, I figure I can never get paid for most of my time. When pricing something to sell you figure in materials, but how do you price time and talent? This table is something I intended to sell. I have now put in more hours than I care to think about. It was fine, everyone liked it, I liked it, but “not good enough” keeps finding the key to my psyche and letting himself in to undermine my efforts. I need to lock him up and throw away the key, it costs me way too much to have “not good enough” on the loose.
OK, so here is the table once again. See any difference from the last time? I didn’t think so. Well maybe just a little. Here is also my “Artist” card, I know…See you tomorrow
Climbing Hills
My post from last night was pretty short, and I was right I was playing it safe, but life really does get in the way. Looking back I’m surprised I actually got anything done. We did go hiking yesterday, we hiked for three hours, and climbed to a height of more than twelve hundred feet. I believe I’ve mentioned my bad knees before, I’ve had five surgeries on one knee, and one surgery on the other, I also have a bad Achilles tendon, and scar tissue in my back and neck from a car accident. I’m not talking about this for reasons of sympathy. I’m of the “is what it is” ilk, but the truth is there isn’t a pain-free day in my life. That can really get in the way of creativity. I was really exhausted last night but still managed to turn out a halfway decent piece of art. I think the writing was actually the harder part last night. I really bring up the injuries because as hard as it was to hike up that hillside yesterday, and even more excruciating coming back down (no ACL (alias anterior cruciate ligament) can be torture) but I did it. When Dan checked with me on both the way up and the way down to see if I was doing OK, I said “I’m not going to give in to this.” I thought about that today. I was in real pain yesterday, we’re talking a ten out of ten here, but I am already planning our next hike. I refuse to sit down and let my bad knees, bad ankle and so on get the best of me. So why can’t I have that same attitude with my art? Step after step hurt, but I never gave up, I never said stop, and that’s what I need to do here. Some of the paths were a little more steep than others, some were more rocky, and on the way down more than a few were a little slippery. That is how I need to approach art. Push through the emotional pain, push through the insecurities, refuse to give in. So today with my tired, aching and creaky bones I made the decision to really look for a project that I am not comfortable with, a painting of a full figure. I’ve never painted a full figure, or even drawn one for that matter. My husband has generously volunteered to pose for me to do some free form figure sketching, but I have yet to take him up on it. I’m diving right in to a 24×48 oil painting. My subject is my beautiful daughter from a photo that I took. There is a movie called Big Fish that came out several years ago. I saw a still photo from that movie of a girl standing in a blue dress that I just loved. My daughter has a blue vintage dress, so a few years back I asked her to pose in the dress. My intention at the time was of course to paint the photo. Of course that was back in the years of lots of intention for art but no actual work. I looked for that photo today and found it. I sketched it out on the canvas and blocked in a little color for the background. My intention is to have her standing before a blue sky and in a field of grass, and possibly adding a spot of bright color in the form of a flower somewhere. I won’t show the photo yet as I have not yet spoken to my daughter to gain her permission. I will post the painting as it stands right now. One other little note about my work. I love instant gratification in my work, oil obviously does not allow for that. I usually end up frustrated because I’ve muddied my colors. Not this time. What you see tonight is all that will be done for now. I won’t be working on it again until I can touch the background in a couple of days. I will work on some other things as I wait, maybe even work with my in-house model.
Playing It Safe
Late again as always. It’s just before nine and I’ve just finished my painting. It’s a watercolor once again. When I started my project I had intended to do much more oils which is truly my favorite medium, but my life doesn’t always allow for the time that involves. I do enjoy the instant gratification that watercolor offers, and honestly it’s just an easier mess to clean up. We hiked today and I’m exhausted so that also played into my decision, but I need to be honest with myself too. I haven’t really fully committed myself to this project yet. I am feeling more comfortable with the idea of letting go with a few of my artistic hang ups, like making everything perfect, but I am most definitely not making the time for larger projects. So much of what I have done in the last month has been stuff that comes far too easy to me. I need to challenge myself. I need to stop knocking off quick small pieces to fulfill my promise to myself. Why is it that I never break promises to other people but find it so easy to fail to follow through for myself? When I read back what I have just written I see a lot of excuses. The plan with this project/blog was to force myself to jump head on into art, and as long as I skirt around the edges I won’t be accomplishing much more than I have in the last twenty years. Yes, I have produced art, more art than I can ever remember, but I am definitely playing it safe. No excuses tomorrow, time to jump in the deep end.
A New Attitude
I am definitely feeling a little less stressed about my art. This blog and its daily project have really made me rethink a lot of things. As usual I wasn’t sure what it was I wanted to do today so I looked through my photos for some inspiration. I had taken this photo somewhere along the road back from Vegas. The cafe is abandoned, or at least looks like it is, but what I really loved was the feel of the building and in particular the striped awning. Even though the windows were covered in paper, the awning gave it a festive look, as though waiting to be reopened for a party. The other thing I liked about it was that I found it reminiscent of an Edward Hopper painting. I have always loved Hopper’s work, I think if I had to choose a style to paint in it would be similar to his.
I have made note in previous writings that my perspective is not all that it can be. I really tried on this painting, which by the way is a watercolor. I carefully measured out distances, and tried to get as much accuracy in my perspective as I could, but quite frankly I still struggled. The good news is that at some point I stopped caring. I pushed ahead and finished the painting. I realized that no one who is looking at this painting is going to care all that much if I didn’t get the doorway exactly right, and I am trying not to care either. I’m not making a photocopy but trying to capture an essence or a feeling, and I hope I have done that. In the end I am pleased. I am learning to not be so hard on myself. To be good at anything you need to practice. My artistic skills have been on the back burner for more years than I care to say. As this project continues I will be working more and more. I have seen some improvement already not only in my work but in my attitude about it. It has been almost a month since I began this year-long project, I look forward to seeing what happens down the line.
The What If’s…
I won’t be showing you all of the piece I did today because it is far too personal, it is a very belated Valentine to my husband. In February I was in the midst of wedding frenzy for my daughter’s wedding and many projects were pushed to the side, starting this blog was one, and the other was a Valentine for Dan. I’ve known since then what I wanted to create, but it was on the list of things to get to that I quite frankly didn’t get to.
I mentioned last night about this blog being sort of artistic therapy. There’s nothing sort of about it. I’m reading a book that a friend lent me last night and the character began to start the “what if” game. We all do it, or have done it, or will do it in the future. It is human nature to second guess ourselves, in particular when we are miserable, we screw up, someone gets hurt or God forbid dies. Our maybe we just think with the what if’s comes the greener grass of the other side. Because of course had we chosen the other path things would have been so much better, right? I began this blog, this project bemoaning my lack of artistic training. I spoke at length about the chip on my artistic shoulder. I have a brother-in-law who is a very gifted artist. When I look at his work I have such admiration for his skill. I have no envy, yes, I certainly wish I had the same skill set, but I find myself looking at what I can do, and then come the what if’s. What if I had gotten that kind of family support? What if I had gotten the same amount of training? What could I do if I dedicated myself to my art? What if I had stood up to my father and insisted on lessons? What if I had taken the job in the art gallery when I was nineteen? Where would my art be? Would I still be struggling to find my artistic voice? The problem with starting the what if’s is that if I had made those choices, any one of those choices my life wouldn’t be where it is now. Has anyone ever read “The Five People You Meet In Heaven?”, by Mitch Albom? It really makes you think about the ripple effect of our lives. All the people we interact with in even the smallest way whose lives are changed in that instant because we are in them. That’s what got me working on the project today. Because when I really think about taking any other journey than the one I have taken, whether the decisions were taken out of my hands or not, there are more reasons than I can list as to why I wouldn’t change a thing. I have two beautiful children, and they are both good, decent and kind human beings. If I hadn’t married my first husband I wouldn’t have my daughter, and without his sister my son wouldn’t be who he is. My path led me to my husband. You’ve heard about finding your “soul-mate”? This is the real deal here. I have a tremendous amount of untapped talent, and its true that I’m not really sure who I am as an artist, but it’s also true that I am a good mother and wife. If I had the chance to go back, the chance to follow one of the what if’s, I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything I’ve done, every place I’ve been, every choice I’ve made, both good and bad, is what makes me who I am, and has given the people who are in my life. And if I ask myself what if they weren’t here, well, that possibility is more painful than I can imagine. My art is here, my talent isn’t going anywhere, what if this project makes it better? That is a what if I can live with.
Hear that sound? It’s the sound of the chip beginning to slide off my shoulder.
Voyage Of Self Discovery
The night before last I posted a photo of the cigar box that I had begun to work on. I left it yesterday because I wasn’t sure where it was going. I had written about chapter titles that spoke to me. When I revisited the box today I knew what it needed to be. A journal of sorts about the journey I am on now. I will make the pages as they come to me, using collage and possibly some paintings, again by what I feel in the moment. When I think I am finished I want to make a paper accordion that can be pulled out of the box. Over the last few years I have collected words and phrases that appeal to me. I must have hundreds of these cut out words in a box. I’ve used some of these words tonight, alongside a childhood photo of me (cute, right?) I guess in my own way I am going through artistic therapy. I want to explore what I feel and why I feel it, and exactly how that affects who I am as an artist. I am hoping through all this self exploration I will discover my voice not only as an artist, but in other parts of my life. One of the sentences I added to the collage tonight states, ” your only regret is that you didn’t do it sooner..” That is more true that I could possibly tell you. I can’t focus on that, I have to move forward.
And Now For Something Completely Different
2:45 in the afternoon and I’m ready to post. What happened you might ask. Full moon? (I have no idea.) Has Superman in an attempt to save yet another damsel in distress spun the earth back on its axis? (Don’t know, don’t care.) What has happened was the epiphany of yesterday. I talked to, (and cried to) my wonderful, supportive husband last night and told him how I was feeling. He asked me why I was putting it off to the end of the day. He essentially made me give myself permission to do what I need to do. The funny thing is that I am a morning person, it is when I am at my best. I wasn’t doing my best, I was doing what I have often referred to as my homework. He has fallen asleep at least twice on the couch in the last week waiting for me to finish my project and post. Ridiculous I know. It felt good to get it all out. As a result of last night I woke with an idea for an illustration. It’s something that encompasses all of what is getting in my way, well almost, I didn’t throw in the mountain in the background with the giant chip on it (like my shoulder). I think I might just call this “Fighting the Current”. I am fighting myself and negative thoughts every day, and if I can just get past them all I believe I will have something really great at the end, me! Self denial, guilt, your basic Martyrdom (it comes quite easily when you are raised Catholic), all have played into my not allowing myself to grow not only as an artist, but in other parts of my life too. I know there will be days where I will have to force myself to indulge my creativity. Days when the laundry needs to be done, bills need to be paid, or worst of all, my house with its three cats has to be cleaned. (Has anyone seen the “Crafting with Cat Hair” book? If you are interested, and I am most definitely not, I can supply your cat hair. I could sweep a small kittens worth at a moments notice.) I have to learn to put art first. A very long time ago my mother in law told me that women cannot be good artists and good mothers. I thought she was crazy, but now I agree with her. Kids take a lot of creative energy. My two are older now, and one is gone, the other not in the near future, but old enough to feed himself, (well OK, I do have to put the food in front of him), but I have time now. I no longer need to make Halloween costumes, or paint the character of the month on their bedroom walls. The thing is that I’ve been a mom as long as I can remember, it’s going to take some time to readjust to focusing on myself.
Inspired my the process, here is something for today. It is marker on Bristol paper, something I never do, and much more in the form of a cartoon than I would ever do. However, it serves its purpose of getting my thoughts on paper, it’s not half bad, and most importantly…I had the supplies! (Unfortunately my scanner cut off just a little but for the most part it’s here.)
Game Change
9:45 And an unfinished project. I had another epiphany tonight. It actually came from the project I started last night. I was angry and frustrated last night because I allowed too many outside influences to get in the way of my art. As a result I was sitting outside last night racing to get something done. I ended the post with “see you in the morning”, but you didn’t hear from me because I didn’t work this morning. I spent the day out enjoying time with my husband. I’ll get to my epiphany in a moment, but first let me explain how it came about.
I started the cigar box last night, I kind of sort of had a plan. I was going to use the clay molds that I made yesterday, but as I tore apart an old book to decoupage the box the words on the pages began to speak to me. The chapter titles either in single word or in their entirety jumped off the page. “The Unlit Lamp”, “Self -Bound”, “The Second Dreaming”, and more, but in particular there is a chapter named “Accidents Of Imperfection”. (Long explanation ahead!) I feel kind of like an unlit lamp. I have lived my entire life with so much unused talent waiting for the “spark” that would light the artistic fire within. “Self -Bound”, if you’ve been reading my blog that one needs no explanation. “Second Dreaming” feels like where I’m at in my life. If you haven’t figured in out by now, I’m not a young girl, young at heart, yes, but young in body,well, talk to my knees. As I said, “Accidents of Imperfection” really got me thinking. I’m a flea market girl. I hate new stuff, the more dinged up, worn out and well-loved something is, the more it means to me. I create on the spur, don’t think about the end results, and actually like things that come out looking old when I’m finished, except for fine art, there I expect perfection. Somewhere a light bulb went on. Art is subjective, so are opinions, my advice to me is, “Stop it! No one expects perfect, nothing is perfect.” (I think I may be finally making progress with the chip on my shoulder…)
I was so hard on myself last night for not finishing a project yesterday. Then today I was putting incredible pressure on myself to finish not only last night’s project, but thinking I had to get a second project done for today. Epiphany number two, I started the blog, I make the rules. Yes, I said 365 project. Does that mean I will complete 365 projects? I thought so, but then that would mean I could never accomplish anything on a large-scale, or with any real meaning. That would be me doing homework every night for a year, throwing things together just to get something done. That won’t help me accomplish what I set out to do, and that is to find out who I am as an artist. So, new rules. I will work for 365 days, I will use what I already have, but it won’t always be a different project every day. Some days I could end up putting up more than one. It will be what ever it is.
The box is beginning to tell its own story, I don’t know if it’s a long or a short one. Time will tell. I will write and share every day, I will show both finished work and work in progress. I was putting unhealthy pressure on myself. No more!
So, here is what has happened to my box today. I finished the outside decoupage, and started working on the inside. It is turning out to be a very personal piece. I will explain more about that tomorrow.
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