A New Attitude

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I am definitely feeling a little less stressed about my art. This blog and its daily project have really made me rethink a lot of things. As usual I wasn’t sure what it was I wanted to do today so I looked through my photos for some inspiration. I had taken this photo somewhere along the road back from Vegas. The cafe is abandoned, or at least looks like it is, but what I really loved was the feel of the building and in particular the striped awning. Even though the windows were covered in paper, the awning gave it a festive look, as though waiting to be reopened for a party. The other thing I liked about it was that I found it reminiscent of an Edward Hopper painting. I have always loved Hopper’s work, I think if I had to choose a style to paint in it would be similar to his.

I have made note in previous writings that my perspective is not all that it can be. I really tried on this painting, which by the way is a watercolor. I carefully measured out distances, and tried to get as much accuracy in my perspective as I could, but quite frankly I still struggled. The good news is that at some point I stopped caring. I pushed ahead and finished the painting. I realized that no one who is looking at this painting is going to care all that much if I didn’t get the doorway exactly right, and I am trying not to care either. I’m not making a photocopy but trying to capture an essence or a feeling, and I hope I have done that. In the end I am pleased. I am learning to not be so hard on myself. To be good at anything you need to practice. My artistic skills have been on the back burner for more years than I care to say. As this project continues I will be working more and more. I have seen some improvement already not only in my work but in my attitude about it. It has been almost a month since I began this year-long project, I look forward to seeing what happens down the line.Image

The What If’s…

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I won’t be showing you all of the piece I did today because it is far too personal, it is a very belated Valentine to my husband. In February I was in the midst of wedding frenzy for my daughter’s wedding and many projects were pushed to the side, starting this blog was one, and the other was a Valentine for Dan. I’ve known since then what I wanted to create, but it was on the list of things to get to that I quite frankly didn’t get to.

I mentioned last night about this blog being sort of artistic therapy. There’s nothing sort of about it. I’m reading a book that a friend lent me last night and the character began to start the “what if” game. We all do it, or have done it, or will do it in the future. It is human nature to second guess ourselves, in particular when we are miserable, we screw up, someone gets hurt or God forbid dies. Our maybe we just think with the what if’s comes the greener grass of the other side. Because of course had we chosen the other path things would have been so much better, right? I began this blog, this project bemoaning my lack of artistic training. I spoke at length about the chip on my artistic shoulder. I have a brother-in-law who is a very gifted artist. When I look at his work I have such admiration for his skill. I have no envy, yes, I certainly wish I had the same skill set, but I find myself looking at what I can do, and then come the what if’s. What if I had gotten that kind of family support? What if I had gotten the same amount of training? What could I do if I dedicated myself to my art? What if I had stood up to my father and insisted on lessons? What if I had taken the job in the art gallery when I was nineteen? Where would my art be? Would I still be struggling to find my artistic voice? The problem with starting the what if’s is that if I had made those choices, any one of those choices my life wouldn’t be where it is now. Has anyone ever read “The Five People You Meet In Heaven?”, by Mitch Albom? It really makes you think about the ripple effect of our lives. All the people we interact with in even the smallest way whose lives are changed in that instant because we are in them. That’s what got me working on the project today. Because when I really think about taking any other journey than the one I have taken, whether the decisions were taken out of my hands or not, there are more reasons than I can list as to why I wouldn’t change a thing. I have two beautiful children, and they are both good, decent and kind human beings. If I hadn’t married my first husband I wouldn’t have my daughter, and without his sister my son wouldn’t be who he is. My path led me to my husband. You’ve heard about finding your “soul-mate”? This is the real deal here. I have a tremendous amount of untapped talent, and its true that I’m not really sure who I am as an artist, but it’s also true that I am a good mother and wife. If I had the chance to go back, the chance to follow one of the what if’s, I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything I’ve done, every place I’ve been, every choice I’ve made, both good and bad, is what makes me who I am, and has given the people who are in my life. And if I ask myself what if they weren’t here, well, that possibility is more painful than I can imagine. My art is here, my talent isn’t going anywhere, what if this project makes it better? That is a what if I can live with.

Hear that sound? It’s the sound of the chip beginning to slide off my shoulder.Image

Voyage Of Self Discovery

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The night before last I posted a photo of the cigar box that I had begun to work on. I left it yesterday because I wasn’t sure where it was going. I had written about chapter titles that spoke to me. When I revisited the box today I knew what it needed to be. A journal of sorts about the journey I am on now.  I will make the pages as they come to me, using collage and possibly some paintings, again by what I feel in the moment. When I think I am finished I want to make a paper accordion that can be pulled out of the box. Over the last few years I have collected words and phrases that appeal to me. I must have hundreds of these cut out words in a box. I’ve used some of these words tonight, alongside a childhood photo of me (cute, right?)  I guess in my own way I am going through artistic therapy. I want to explore what I feel and why I feel it, and exactly how  that affects who I am as an artist. I am hoping through all this self exploration I will discover my voice not only as an artist, but in other parts of my life. One of the sentences I added to the collage tonight states, ” your only regret is that you didn’t do it sooner..” That is more true that I could possibly tell you. I can’t focus on that, I have to move forward.Image

And Now For Something Completely Different

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2:45 in the afternoon and I’m ready to post. What happened you might ask. Full moon? (I have no idea.) Has Superman in an attempt to save yet another damsel in distress spun the earth back on its axis? (Don’t know, don’t care.) What has happened was the epiphany of yesterday. I talked to, (and cried to) my wonderful, supportive husband last night and told him how I was feeling. He asked me why I was putting it off to the end of the day. He essentially made me give myself permission to do what I need to do. The funny thing is that I am a morning person, it is when I am at my best. I wasn’t doing my best, I was doing what I have often referred to as my homework. He has fallen asleep at least twice on the couch in the last week waiting for me to finish my project and post. Ridiculous I know. It felt good to get it all out. As a result of last night I woke with an idea for an illustration. It’s something that encompasses all of what is getting in my way, well almost, I didn’t throw in the mountain in the background with the giant chip on it (like my shoulder). I think I might just call this “Fighting the Current”. I am fighting myself and negative thoughts every day, and if I can just get past them all I believe I will have something really great at the end, me! Self denial, guilt, your basic Martyrdom (it comes quite easily when you are raised Catholic), all have played into my not allowing myself to grow not only as an artist, but in other parts of my life too. I know there will be days where I will have to force myself to indulge my creativity. Days when the laundry needs to be done, bills need to be paid, or worst of all, my house with its three cats has to be cleaned. (Has anyone seen the “Crafting with Cat Hair” book? If you are interested, and I am most definitely not, I can supply your cat hair. I could sweep a small kittens worth at a moments notice.) I have to learn to put art first. A very long time ago my mother in law told me that women cannot be good artists and good mothers. I thought she was crazy, but now I agree with her. Kids take a lot of creative energy. My two are older now, and one is gone, the other not in the near future, but old enough to feed himself, (well OK, I do have to put the food in front of him), but I have time now. I no longer need to make Halloween costumes, or paint the character of the month on their bedroom walls. The thing is that I’ve been a mom as long as I can remember, it’s going to take some time to readjust to focusing on myself.

Inspired my the process, here is something for today. It is marker on Bristol paper, something I never do, and much more in the form of a cartoon than I would ever do. However, it serves its purpose of getting my thoughts on paper, it’s not half bad, and most importantly…I had the supplies! (Unfortunately my scanner cut off just a little but for the most part it’s here.)005

Game Change

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9:45 And an unfinished project. I had another epiphany tonight. It actually came from the project I started last night.  I was angry and frustrated last night because I allowed too many outside influences to get in the way of my art. As a result I was sitting outside last night racing to get something done. I ended the post with “see you in the morning”, but you didn’t hear from me because I didn’t work this morning. I spent the day out enjoying time with my husband. I’ll get to my epiphany in a moment, but first let me explain how it came about.

I started the cigar box last night, I kind of sort of had a plan.  I was going to use the clay molds that I made yesterday, but as I tore apart an old book to decoupage the box the words on the pages began to speak to me. The chapter titles either in single word or in their entirety jumped off the page. “The Unlit Lamp”, “Self -Bound”, “The Second Dreaming”, and more, but in particular there is a chapter named “Accidents Of Imperfection”. (Long explanation ahead!) I feel kind of like an unlit lamp. I have lived my entire life with so much unused talent waiting for the “spark” that would light the artistic fire within. “Self -Bound”, if you’ve been reading my blog that one needs no explanation. “Second Dreaming” feels like where I’m at in my life. If you haven’t figured in out by now, I’m not a young girl, young at heart, yes, but young in body,well, talk to my knees.  As I said, “Accidents of Imperfection” really got me thinking.  I’m a flea market girl. I hate new stuff, the more dinged up, worn out and well-loved something is, the more it means to me. I create on the spur, don’t think about the end results, and actually like things that come out looking old when I’m finished, except for fine art, there I expect perfection.  Somewhere a light bulb went on. Art is subjective, so are opinions, my advice to me is, “Stop it! No one expects perfect, nothing is perfect.” (I think I may be finally making progress with the chip on my shoulder…)

I was so hard on myself last night for not finishing a project yesterday. Then today I was putting incredible pressure on myself to finish not only last night’s project, but thinking I had to get a second project done for today. Epiphany number two, I started the blog, I make the rules. Yes, I said 365 project. Does that mean I will complete 365 projects? I thought so, but then that would mean I could never accomplish anything on a large-scale, or with any real meaning. That would be me doing homework every night for a year, throwing things together just to get something done. That won’t help me accomplish what I set out to do, and that is to find out who I am as an artist. So, new rules. I will work for 365 days, I will use what I already have, but it won’t always be a different project every day. Some days I could end up putting up more than one. It will be what ever it is.

The box is beginning to tell its own story, I don’t know if it’s a long or a short one. Time will tell. I will write and share every day, I will show both finished work and work in progress. I was putting unhealthy pressure on myself. No more!

So, here is what has happened to my box today. I finished the outside decoupage, and started working on the inside. It is turning out to be a very personal piece. I will explain more about that tomorrow.image image

To Be Continued…

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9:17 p.m. And my project for today has only just begun.  Actually, I had an idea earlier in the day, which I did start on, but I had to go to a friend’s house for an opportunity to do a few small creative jobs. We ended up staying for quite a while sitting in her beautiful garden. I had another friend coming for dinner, so window of time for art started to close. All of that means that I will have to finish in the morning. I will however share what I have so far. I used some home bake clay to create some molds to use in altered art work. I have a collection of vintage pins that I pushed into the clay and baked. I plan on using the molds to make other clay impressions and to do paper pulp. I am working on another piece of altered art using a cigar box, an old book, and somehow incorporating the molds. For now I’m sitting in my beautiful garden, enjoying the company of my husband and a good friend.

See you in the morning!  ImageImage

The Day Isn’t Over

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I’m back….just when you thought you’d heard the last from me today, but the piece of art I posted earlier was from yesterday. I almost gave up today. Earlier in the day I was letting the “not good enough” voice in my head worm its way into my consciousness. Stress here at home from Dan’s job situation was weighing heavily on my mind, and my dad who is eighty isn’t feeling his best, and he too has been worrying me. The truth is though that what I look for, and always have looked for, is a way to not work on my art. I can find so many ways to put up roadblocks for myself, and this morning I was laying the foundation. I was formulating excuses to stop this project in my mind. I can’t do that, I don’t want to wait another ten years and say, “I should have”. So I worked on the earlier piece. I really didn’t think I would finish it, I thought it would go by the wayside (remember the photos of my mom and grandmother? Still sitting waiting to be turned into something…anything). But then the epiphany, and the finished piece that I loved. So tonight, even though I was tired I did one more piece of art, just a pencil drawing, but I did it. I didn’t lose a day, I kicked my way through that wall that was half built in my head. It doesn’t mean I won’t lay down a few bricks tomorrow when I get creatively frustrated, but it helps to know I can get past myself when I push hard enough.This is a sketch of a statue that I love that was my mother’s. Regular old #2 pencil with just a touch of red.Mary

An Epiphany

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What? It’s the middle of the day, well not quite, but the sun is still out for some time to come and I am finished with a project. Yes, it is the one I started yesterday, and yes, it is completely different from what it started out to be. Last night I gave up. I posted that photo and went to bed. I really had no idea what I was going to do next. I had some idea about my mother (which I think I mentioned), but I felt overwhelmed and lost. I really wanted to do something different. I had a discussion with Dan about it this afternoon and had an epiphany. Altered art is difficult for me because there really are no rules, there are no “supposed to be”, or “supposed to look like” guidelines. There isn’t going to be anyone telling me that I’m doing it wrong, or something to compare it to. It is what it is, and you either like it or don’t. That’s hard for me. The whole thing is hard for me, courtesy of …myself! I’m beginning to think I need to recite a mantra while I work, repeating over and over, “Relax, relax…”. I’m a great cook, really great, like you would like to come to my house every night for dinner great, and I like to bake, and I’m good at it. I never, ever question myself when I am cooking or baking, I just do it. Most of the time I don’t even measure or follow recipes, and when I do I change them, I’m that confident. Why can’t I find that confidence in my art? When I told friends and family about this project many were happy for me and so supportive, some quite honestly seem to give a crap, but one in particular said something that really bothered me. (I won’t say who (or is it whom?) it is, let’s just say she may have given birth to my husband.) I said I was a little A.D.D. when it comes to art, there are way too many things I like to do, and that I find it difficult to stick to one thing. The response? A reference to “Jack of all trades, master of none”. Here’s the thing, I am good at everything I do. Am I the best? No, but I rarely fail at anything creative. Does every meal I make turn out right? No. Does every batch of cookies come away perfect? No. Do I agonize over those mistakes? No. Everything artistically that I have attempted has worked. I may not get the exact results that I was hoping for, but for the most part the work is pretty damn good. Am I a master, certainly not, but I am a gifted human being who is struggling to find out who she is as an artist before the clock runs out and I leave my children hundreds of unfinished pieces of work and enough art supplies for my own Blick outlet store.

So, after that long, long-winded unloading, my project. I was still thinking about my mother this morning, that led me into thinking about life and death, eternal life. Will I see her again kind of stuff, and then I knew what I wanted to do. Well, sort of, it just started working on its own. The piece is called, “ab aeterno”, which is Latin for, “from the eternal”. The wood burned marks of last night weren’t doing it for me. I filled it with wood putty, and you may have noticed a clock piece on it last night, I hated it. I had to scrape it off. (Note to self: do not glue things down until you are sure you want them there!) I eventually had a brainstorm and heated my putty knife which lifted the hot glue off nicely. I rubbed some gold acrylic where the burn marks had been and there was just enough left to hold the color like rays. I printed the William Blake quote on Vellum, and cut the halo from the scraps. The halo is actually two pieces glued almost all the way together, it gives it a very three-dimensional quality. I rubbed the gold on the torn edges of the quote, added hints of Martha Stewart’s pearl paint, (fabulous stuff!) and painted my title. On a different headstone in the same cemetery I found this beautiful casting of some Calla Lilies, I printed those on the same water slide decal paper, and painted them with a hint of the pearl paint using my finger. (My mother’s grave marker, which I designed, has shamrocks, a harp and Calla Lilies on it, all symbols of significance to Ireland.) I finished the piece by putting a clock hand in the hand of the angel, as a reminder of how time is not ours to control. I love it. I think what I love most was that at a certain point my brain shut down and the work took over. It’s something I need to do more often. Ab aeterno (4)

Here We Go Again

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I started my day with the intention of finishing my table, but I sidelined the project because of an invitation from a very handsome man for a lunch date. (My husband of course!) He asked me to lunch and for a visit to the San Diego Museum of Art to see a new exhibition he knew I wanted to see. The works of Giambattista Piranesi, architect, designer, art dealer, and print maker, among many other things. The work was beautiful, more than 300 original prints from the 18th century. The detail and perspective of each sketch was incredibly precise. As always I left the museum inspired. I contemplated doing a pen and ink sketch, but by the time we came home, both a sore ankle and the wine from lunch had taken their toll.

We sat out in our beautiful garden for a while, where I again looked for inspiration. My thoughts came back once again to the idea of some altered art. At the museum Dan and I had discussed different work that appeals to me, and how none of it is “perfect”. I simply love the pieces for what they are and the feelings they invoke. Later in the car we again discussed my post of the other day where I called myself “uptight”. He said I’m not so much uptight as timid. I decided to attempt a piece of something out of my comfort zone for this evening.

Several years ago I had used two scrap wood pieces to mount some candle wall sconces on. When I did them I didn’t see that they resembled the shape of a house. The sconces hang alone now, and the wood was sitting in my studio. I’m still working on the project as I write this, and until this moment wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with it. I printed a photo of an angel that I took in a cemetery in Richmond, Virginia a few years ago on water slide decal paper. The paper has to sit for at least thirty minutes to dry and then you have to sit it in water for about sixty seconds, the image slides off and can be applied to your surface. The wood had a hole in it, I decided to use my wood burner to create a halo/crown behind her head. Then I got stuck. I played around with small pieces I had in my studio, searching for just the right piece. I eventually realized that because she is a gravestone angel, the image represents the passing of time to me. I searched on the internet and found a quote by William Blake. It states, “To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour.” I am waiting for the quote to dry on another piece of the decal paper, but wasn’t sure where to go from there. As I wrote this a thought occurred to me, when my mother died I wrote a verse about it, and used a small box I had to create a small piece of art that sits on my vanity. Part of that verse refers to my no longer having a home, that my dad is still there but that without her it isn’t home anymore. This will all make sense I think once the piece is done, which is obviously not going to happen tonight due to decal drying time. So I will again tonight post an unfinished piece, and a photo of the piece about my mother. Tomorrow I believe I can achieve what is in my head tonight.

 

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An Idea Come To Life

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It has been a long day. The lovely long walk of yesterday came back to bite me in the you know where. I haven’t hiked in quite some time, so my body decided to remind me how old I am, and express its displeasure by hurting in more ways than I care to mention. My post is even later than usual tonight, not because I put my project off as we all know I’ve been doing, but because what I chose to do took several hours.

I’ve been saying for days now that I wanted to attempt some altered art, but again today I changed my mind. Today wasn’t about avoiding what I promised to do, but rather finally working on an idea I have had for a long time. A few years ago we went to Paris. We had hoped to find a really great flea market, but only found one high-end one where the items were far beyond anything we could afford. When we got back from our trip I purchased a few “souvenirs” on eBay and etsy. One of the things I found was a vintage powder tin. I loved the graphics on the lid and always thought I’d like to replicate it as a small table top. As promised when I started this project, I want to use what I already have. I have two of the precut circular pieces of wood that they sell at the home improvement stores, so I painted my tabletop today. I’m not completely finished. By the time I stopped painting it was after ten, so tomorrow will be about touch ups in better light. For the base of the table I’m going to use the bottom of an old bubble gum machine I bought at the Goodwill. I am also considering a little gold leaf on the edges, but again all will be decided in the morning light.

So, no promises about what I will do tomorrow. Like today I will see where my mood takes me. Sometimes the things I like best are the ones I didn’t plan.image